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Since I didn’t teach this semester, I am a little out of the loop. Okay, a lot out of the loop. It’s amazing how quickly one can fall right out of the loop. So I am a little loopy. And even though Fall 2010 was a tough one, filled with cheaters plagiarism issues and unintentional falls down staircases, and confrontations in elevators, I am pleased to report that I no longer feel like a three-legged table. I am 100% centered again. In my 100% always off-kilter way.
Back in March, I received an email from The Scheduler at the community college where I have taught as an adjunct for the last four years, stating that it was time to start thinking about courses for the fall.
Let’s just say I was a little geeked up excited when The Scheduler’s email arrived, so I tapped out a quick reply. Upon reflection, I see that if I had myself as a student, I think I would kill me. I am one positively relentless human being.
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, March 02, 2011 9:30 PM
To: The Scheduler
Dear Scheduler:
Is this form for Fall 2011? Even though it says “Spring 2011 Scheduling Preferences,” in the subject line?
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Wednesday, March 03, 2011 10:49 AM
To: Me
It should have been Fall 2011!
Thanks for the good eyes!
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2011 9:30 PM
To: The Scheduler
I just don’t want to miss my big chance.
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Tuesday, March 08, 2011 9:36 AM
To: The Entire English & Philosophy Departments
Um…. Mr. Perfect Here.
I realize I didn’t name the Fall 2011 schedule request form correctly.
So, even though the form says “Spring 2011” let’s just pretend it said “Fall 2011.”
And if you’re super picky, here’s the attachment.
Whoops.
• • •
Call me crazy, but I am 97.3% sure that The Scheduler was talking specifically to me when he used the words “super picky.” I decided that the best thing to do was to lay low.
I did.
For 27 hours.
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, March 09, 2011 12:07 PM
To: The Scheduler
Dear Mr. Perfect:
Mrs. Anal-Retentive here.
Was that form just for full-timers? Or were adjuncts supposed to respond, too? (*holding my head*) I’m sooooo confused. Anyway, I’m shooting you my response via attached email since I am off-campus because I don’t want to blow my big chance. I hope that is not too much of a pain.
I’ve got a lot of Mrs. Anal-Retentive with a side order of Li’l Pain in the Arse goin’ on.
Either way, I hope you get the gist of what I’m hoping for with regard to Fall 2011.
Any questions, feel free to call me or just berate me via email.
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Wednesday, March 09, 2011 12:09 PM
To: Me
Hi, Renee!
Yes, you’ll get another form specifically for adjuncts in the next day or so.
It’s less complicated, and it has more information regarding late starts.
Thanks for your patience.
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, March 23, 2011 2:22 PM
To: The Scheduler
So I filled in that first form. You know, the one that I wasn’t supposed to?
Can I consider myself in the cyber pile? Or do I need to redo and put a hard copy in your mailbox?
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Wednesday, March 25, 2011 7:15 PM
To: ENG/PHL adjuncts
Subject: 2011 Fall Adjunct Schedule Request Form
Please complete the form attached, and return it to my department mailbox by Friday, 8 April 2011. A hard-copy has been placed into your department mail folder. If no form is returned, I will assume that you are unavailable in the Fall. Assignments will be distributed by late April.
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, March 25, 2011 7:15 PM
To: The Scheduler
Hi Scheduler:
Okay, I’m re-submitting.
On the correct form.
Just to prove my uber-dedication.
I hope it is not a problem that I am submitting an attachment, as I am not on campus this semester.
I’m not usually a non-compliant, pain in the patootie.
Sometimes it just seeps out a little.
• • •
I experience what feels like an outrageous gap in time. During this three-week silent treatment period, I panic. I wonder how much The Scheduler hates my guts and how low I have slid down the adjunct totem pole. I decide that I will take anything he offers. I decide I will teach at a ridiculous hour, even if it requires hiring someone to drive my child to his after school activities. I consider sending The Scheduler a bouquet of flowers from Teleflora.com, just to show him how much I care.
Instead, I sent him another email.
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2011 10:59 PM
To: The Scheduler
Um… Hi Scheduler:
I know you are on break, but – as I explained before – I have been a naughty girl, and I haven’t been checking my school email account as I’m not teaching this semester.
Have decisions been made about the fall semester?
Do I get to have even a single section? (*she asked hopefully*)
I saw Most Awesome Department Chair make a mention about book orders for the summer session, and I know Highly Muscled Book Store Dude likes fall orders to be in as soon as possible.
Let me know when you get a moment.
Thank you.
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Wednesday, April 19, 2011 12:24 PM
To: Me
I’ll be sending out a fall scheduling notification by the end of April; none has been announced.
This will give you plenty of time to submit book orders for the fall, okay?
• • •
Okay, so I am supposed to wait until the end of April.
I can do that. I think I can. I mean, I will try.
Really. Hard.
• • •
From Me
Sent: Tuesday, May 3, 2011 11:16 AM
To: The Scheduler
Dear Sweet Scheduler:
You mentioned that scheduling should be done by the end of April.
And now it is May.
So I figured I’d just send a quick email to… you know: do what I do.
Hope you had a great Spring Break.
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Wednesday, May 6, 2011 12:06 PM
To: All Adjuncts
Subject: Fall 2011 Scheduling Update: Adjuncts
Dear ENG/PHL adjuncts:
I ask for your patience regarding schedules that I had hoped to have complete by late yesterday.
Some schedules will be posted today, and the remainder will be completed by Monday.
Thanks, again, for your patience.
• • •
Clearly, my roiling anxiety has caused The Scheduler to send out another email. It is all my fault. He must think I am crazy. I start wondering if he has heard stories about me, if they are discussing me during faculty meetings. I wonder if my constant emailing could be construed as cyber-bullying.
The Scheduler requests patience.
I wait four days.
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, May 10, 2011 10:02 AM
To: The Scheduler
Should I freak out yet?
Or are you still scheduling?
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Wednesday, May 10, 2011 10:05 PM
To: Me
Don’t freak.
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, May 10, 2011 10:10 AM
To: The Scheduler
Is it okay if I still freak?
I like to do that on Tuesdays.
But I’m glad I’m not “packing my knives” or “the weakest link,” and I’m glad “the tribe” hasn’t spoken.
You know what I mean.
Phew. (*wipes brow*)
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Wednesday, May 10, 2011 10:12 PM
To: Me
You’re funny. Have we met in person?
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 12:13 PM
To: The Scheduler
Dear Scheduler:
I am pretty sure we have met, but obviously my name didn’t stick.
I’m the cute one. 😉
Will this get me the class of my dreams?
• • •
From: The Scheduler
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 1:46 PM
To: Me
Hi, Renee. I have you down for classes X and Y on such and such days at such and such hours. Fabulous Secretary will enter the information into the evil computer system this afternoon.
• • •
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 2:13 PM
To: The Scheduler
Thanks Scheduler!
You totally rock!
And thanks for bearing with me while I have nagged you.
For weeks.
Or has it been months?
I’m like the wife you never wanted.
• • •
At long last, this squeaky wheel knows she will have a place to roll. Come September, I will have people to call my own. Life is good. (It is also good that The Scheduler cannot see me doing my dance of joy right now.) Because we all know what happened the last time I went dancing.
renée a. schuls-jacobson 
LOL! I can totally relate….. 🙂 So glad I’m not the only one who does things like that!
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Embarrassingly relentless. This was a pared-down version of the emailing. Mostly coming from my end. 😉
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ROTF! That was awesome =O)
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Thanks, Melissa. You always make me feel okay about being a lunatic. 😉
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Totally hilarous. And I so get your ‘super pickiness’ and panic – don’t people realise that:
(a) Words matter and can change the meaning of a document?
(b) what’s a tedious piece of administration for one person can mean a way of life, career and/or source of income for someone else?
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So true. And that is why I had to stay on him. Plus I am crazy! 😉
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Please Please Please send me funny emails like this when I take over as scheduler in the fall!
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Holly!
Did I destroy our interim scheduler? Have I plum worn him out?
I think I ruined Carl, too.
Be forewarned, I am relentless! 😉
Note: It’s much easier if you just give me what I want right away.
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I call it annoyingly persistent. Sometimes I get to the point where I almost feel bad, but then I get what I want and that feeling goes away (mostly.)
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It’s positive reinforcement! 😉
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The scheduler said I don’t have to type my term paper because of my excellent penmanship. I am glad HE is the boss.
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Sorry, Carl, soon Holly will be The Scheduler. And she makes certain that everything is typed and submitted in triplicate. Just in case. And you have to have perfect grammar. 😉
She is drop-dead gorgeous and extraordinarily intelligent. And she will not be fooled by your doe eyes.
It won’t work, Carl.
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So the rumours are true then?
They’ve started calling you the terminator because you absolutely definitely cannot be stopped.
On the music side – if you want an alternative relentless – try Ben Harper and Relentless Seven (but like the Magnificent Seven maybe, but more relentless and scary).
Here they are – great drum intro http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VBwZU_3au8
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Outstanding.
And yes, the rumors (or for you there on the other side of the pond) “rumours” are so very true. I see they’ve made it all the way over to you. Amazing how small the world has become these days, ya know?
If you look it up, “relentless” means determined, unrelenting, and dogged. If you ask me, these are fancy ways to call someone a royal pain in the arse.
I think professionally relentless. 😉
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Glad you’re getting back to teaching, Renée…we don’t have any “Highly Muscled Bookstore Dudes” at our university bookstore…sigh…
Wendy
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Wendy, I’ll be back in the saddle in September.
That is, if I can ever figure out how to get my book orders in.
They’ve gone and changed all the passwords while I was away.
And yes, our “Bookstore Dude” is quite the hunk.
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Hi
Hi Relentless. I really giggled over this blog. Persistence does pay off. Have fun teaching this fall.
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Oh Bunny:
You are always giggling at something.
You are a relentless giggler. 😉
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~~like I said before…
you are a girl after my heart !! XXxx
PS. I am dancing.
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Dear Kim:
I am actually glad to hear that you are dancing.
And I know you know how to do The Relentless Dance.
Hopefully you are doing it with friends… and you are able to avoid falling down. 😉
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You are so funny. And so Type A.
It takes an A to know an A.
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So. Terribly. True. 😉
It’s nice to be recognized.
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Relentless gets the job done! I’m glad things worked out for you :).
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Sometimes you gotta fight for your right to teach.
The next battle: The classroom I’ve been given.
I have to check it out today.
We’ll see what The Scheduler hast bestowed.
Because there might need to be phone calls.
Last year there was a pole in the middle of my room.
I’m not having that again.
Although it was nice for dancing. 😉
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If person X checked to see if her stove was turned off three or four times before she’d leave her house, then we would probably call her crazy. If person Y’s home burnt down one day we would immediately ask why he wasn’t more like Ms. X…she was so relentless in her safety. It’s okay to be relentless, sometimes.
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Jeff:
I love that analogy, but I think in reality, we would say that person X had Obsessive Compusllsive Disorder, and there is medication for that.
Come to think of it, there are probably pills for my kind of relentless, too. 😉
Thanks for trying to make me feel better about being a bundle of anxiety.
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Ach! Relentless is OK but I think it has a much harsher definition than the situation and your behavior justifies. You remaind kind, compassionate and funny through out the communications.
You were persistant…
“per·sist·ent
/pərˈsɪstənt, -ˈzɪs-/ Show Spelled[per-sis-tuhnt, -zis-] Show IPA
–adjective
1.
persisting, especially in spite of opposition, obstacles, discouragement, etc.; persevering: a most annoyingly persistent young man.
2.
lasting or enduring tenaciously: the persistent aroma of verbena; a persistent cough.
3.
constantly repeated; continued: persistent noise. ” (From Dictionary .com)
😀
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Ginny:
Thank you for giving my neuroses a kinder, gentler name.
But it ain’t over yet.
Today I shall make the trek to check out Building 12.
I must make sure that the room to which I have been assigned does not have obstructed view.
Last year, my room had a pole smack dab in the middle and – while it was lovely for dancing, it made it really hard to have good class discussions in- -the-round.
So if the room doesn’t rock, there will be phone calls. And emails.
And now I’m at a The Level 2 Scheduler.
Code Orange. 😉
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Sorry I didn’t get to your blog until this morning. It’s wonderful. That sounds like me ages ago, when I never knew where or what I would be teaching next. They kept saying, “You’re a reading teacher and have, therefore, taught all grade levels. (True.) You have taught for …. years. (Alas, true.) You have a Master’s Degree plus 30 credits. (True.) Therefore, you can teach wherever and whatever we say you can. And I did.
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And you did.
No matter where they shoved you.
Even if it was a cupboard.
Or a closet.
Or freezing cold.
Or boiling hot.
You rock, Marlene. 😉
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I *love* this email correspondence.
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Because I am relentless? Or because I am a dork? 😉
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i have been the cause of mass email answers as well, on more than one occasion.
so much gets lost in email, like, the ability to say “just kidding” if i notice their face does not agree with what i am saying, also, i just add that they’re very attractive in the signature line of every email.
longest single sentence comment goes to…..
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I was so relieved when The Scheduler said “You’re funny!”
I exhaled audibly.
I’m pretty sure that the next time I meet him, he will remember me.
No worries. I’ve got the incoming Professor Scheduler in my pocket.
Right, Holly?
Holly?
Are you there Holly? 😉
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Relentless is what you have to be if you want to get classes! Such a familiar process. I just today got my classes for the Fall. I didn’t get any summer classes, although I was technically offered three different classes (which I couldn’t take because they were either a) in Session 1 when I’ll be away for two weeks, b) at an extension site 2 hours from my house, or c) both.)
We too have a Totally Hot Bookstore Dude. And he’s friendly, too. I get all giggly when I put my book orders in 🙂
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Sorry to hear about your summer scheduling woes.
But I’m happy to hear you have a Groovy Bookstore Dude to return to in the fall.
Every school should have one.
It should be a rule. 😉
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Renée,
Heh. If I was 20 years younger and unmarried, I’d be asking you out on a date 🙂
Yes, I’m impressed.
Wayne
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Hi Wayne:
Does this mean you like the dominant type of woman?
Or are you just drawn to nags? 😉
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Tell this boy to wait in line.
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Carl, are you saying you want me to nag you relentlessly?
Or twenty years ago you would have been into that kind of thing but you are soooo over it now. 😉
Because that would be the healthier alternative.
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Hilarious! Been there 😉 Don’t these “schedulers” know that our entire income revolves around their job?!? Oh the life of an adjunct- stepchildren of the higher education system…..
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I think you meant the bastard step-children of the higher educational system. 😉
But The Scheduler wasn’t doing anything different that any other Scheduler had in other years.
I always have to fight and claw.
I am soooooooo liking the room to which I have been assigned. It is crazy nice. It even has windows! Unheard of!
How long before you think I get relocated?
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