Click on the teacher lady's head to see the other folks who have been involved in this series.
Today’s guest blogger is Jamie Golden from Jamie’s Rabbits. She is consistently hilarious. I don’t know how she does it, but she does. Jamie is a 30-something single gal from Birmingham, Alabama who claims to major in sleeping. I don’t buy it. Because I am pretty sure she majors in handbags and shoes. You can follow her on Facebook or stalk her on Twitter @jamiesrabbits.
Oh, and for the love of Pete, never, ever say the word *whispering* “ladybug” in her presence. She freaks out. I don’t know if it is the word or the bug; I’m too afraid to ask.
• • •
I have always had this theory: I am smart.
This theory has been supported by sound evidence:
- I scored in the 30’s on my ACT.
- I graduated with honors from an expensive liberal arts college.
- I can spell “liaison” without spellcheck.
Most importantly, there’s the size of my head.
You didn’t know head circumference is a primary indicator of intelligence? I did.
But I am smart.
One time, my friend and I decided to measure our heads to see who had the biggest noggin. Since we only had a yard stick, we wrapped paper towels around our head and then measured the sheets needed to go the distance.
He was only slightly “smarter” since his upstairs was only 2 inches larger. Unfortunately, he’s 11 inches taller than me and HE’S A MAN.
I read actress Megan Fox has a 22″ waist. This means I would be unable to pull her pants over my head. I don’t know when it would be necessary to complete this task, but it wouldn’t matter. It would be physically impossible.
But I am smart.
Despite overwhelming evidence pointing to my extreme intellect, there are a few line items supporting the contrary.
- Until age 29, I didn’t put food on the top shelf of my fridge because I was concerned it would get too warm due to the light.
- I was talking on my cell phone last week and the caller asked me to email her a picture I had taken with my phone. I looked for the gadget for 8 minutes and finally told her I couldn’t find my phone.
- While whitewater rafting, I left aspirin in the mesh pocket of my shorts and then was shocked to find them gone after swimming at lunch.
- Recently, I was cooking and heard my cell phone ring. I didn’t know where it was, (I never know where it is) so I leaned into the air to listen and try to determine where the ringtone was originating. When I leaned forward, I knew it was in the opposite direction. When I leaned forward again, I knew it was really back in the other direction. I did this three times, before realizing the phone was in my back pocket.
Just because you think you’re smart, doesn’t make it so.
Have you ever thought something was true about yourself only to discover you’re a liar?
renée a. schuls-jacobson 
I used to think that I was viewed as seriously ditzy only to find out that people think of me as “intellectual”! Imagine my surprise! I loved this…and I suspect you’ve made a lot of people sigh a sigh of relief because we’ve all done things similar to your list.
and…thanks Renee for having such a great guest again!
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KD – I’ve now added “intellectual” to my resume. Thank you for the reassurance that we may all be a little bit of a train wreck!
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This made me laugh–especially the cell phone in the back pocket.
My dad says that he’s not book smart; he just has good common sense. I, on the other hand, am book smart, but not very street smart. “Why don’t you use your common sense?” was something I heard a lot from my dad as a kid. Oh, the memories…
Oh, well. A few moments of “not being smart” makes life more interesting. =)
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I think “book smart” is the sexiest. Right? RIGHT?
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This was laugh-out-loud funny, and I almost never say that. I’ll even go so far as to give you an LOL. That’s big stuff, just like, apparently, your head. 🙂
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A Tamara “LOL” is going on the back of my upcoming e-book about figuring out what to write an e-book about when you’re ADD.
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Jamie, fantastic post! I forwarded it along to Mensa for you – they’ll almost certainly call given the prodigious parameters of your skull. Just so you know, I gave them your cell phone number….that might have not been my smartest move (but I’ve got a tiny cranium)….
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Tor – remember – size doesn’t matter.
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Jamie, I think we all dispelled that myth a long time ago. Size matters. Especially when it comes to the size of the head. iykwim.
Wow, that sounds really naughty.
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I don’t know whether I’m smart or not, because I can’t keep my mind on one . . . what were we talking about?
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ADD is my calling card. It’s a good thing…let me confirm that for you.
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Hilarious stuff. So glad I came here from Tamára’s blog. Look forward to reading more from you. 🙂
Take care,
Casey
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Hi Casey! Renee is a keeper. I’m more of an acquired taste 🙂
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What are you talking about? You are delicious! I loved you right away!
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Me, too! Me, too!
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It’s great being a teacher, because I get to live out this principle on a quasi-daily basis, publicly in front of middle school children.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told them that I was 100% sure about something…only to find out later that I was 100% wrong.
“But Mr. Haggerty. Didn’t you say yesterday that…”
Yeah. I did. That was yesterday. Why bring up the past. This is English class. Not History. 🙂
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Are your students aloud to speak? You should remedy that. Pronto.
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Depends on what day it is. Today is Friday…so…no.
🙂
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Kudos.
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Ha! Oh Jamie, this is GREAT! I have a giant Irish noggin, but recently treated the wrong ear when my dog had an ear infection, due to my inability to distinguish between left and right.
But, I firmly believe you have to be smart to be funny, and you are very, very funny 🙂
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Ahhh shucks. I’m not saying I don’t throw up a thumb-index finger “L” and “R” on occasion. Just for the confidence boost.
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When we first moved to AZ I thought Jackalopes were real…..I was 30. I also spent considerable time trying to figure out if a lamb was a baby sheep when my oldest daughter was first born. Yep….Ivy Legue educated. I’m sure my parents would be happy to know their investment led to such valuable animal inquiries.
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Jackalopes are not real. Another lesson learned. And I’m with you on the expensive education sometimes being for naught…
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Fantastic post! Gosh, I could provide a list here, but here’s the first thing that comes to mind: For years, I only knew how to do 2 things to my car—add gas and oil. So if the tank was full and anything seemed off, I added oil. And more oil and more oil. Somehow the car took good care of me. Guessing the auto-gods took pity on me.
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More oil is never a bad thing. For cars, cuticles, for french fries.
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There are book smarts and street smarts. Hopefully I got a little bit of each. I have survived this long anyway!
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I wish you had enough to share.
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Jamie! Be nice to my people! Don’t anger the great and powerful @SusieLindau. She is the one you sooo want to know! 😉
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Me and Oz, we go waaaaaaay back! Thanks Renee! Hahaha!
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See I didn’t even realize that was mean until I re-read it! Susie – my humblest Southern apologies!
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This is so great. Thanks for the chuckle!
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No shame is always worth a giggle.
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I would love to join you for the “trying to put Megan Fox’s pants over our heads” party…
You know. If there were one of those.
Hey, it’s Friday. Anything can happen.
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There’s a 19-year-old at my church who is teeny tiny. I always want to ask her to bring her jeans the next Sunday so I can test it.
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Omigosh, please do this. Please ask her. And it won’t sound creepy at all. I’m pretty sure of it.
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I asked. Her waist is 24″. I would be able to do it!!!
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Please get video of you TRYING to pull those shorts over your head. And link back here. I’ll pay you a skillion dollars. That’s payment in skittles. (Mostly the orange ones I don’t eat.)
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Hahahahaha I always look forward to your posts, Jamie! [And not because your stories help me to feel better about myself.] I would support your decision to try stand up comedy. Who has a 22 inch waist?
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My 12 year old son. 😉
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Funny! Oh, my goodness, big belly laugh funny! But, then, I would expect nothing less from you, Jaime! I’m gonna stay out of the “smart” conversation – except that I should point out that my kids are smart, and they must have acquired that gene from SOMEWHERE, right? Right?
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Thank you Dawn! Take all the genetic credit for smart kids. ALL of it.
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Jamie! Thank you for being here today! I can’t elieve I’ve only just bopped in now to say how fabulous you are! But you are. And you are funny lady too. Hopefully some of my people have fallen in love with you and your giant cranium. 😉
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I would love new fans of my big head.
Why does every comment on your blog sound sketchy?
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A lot of my people are techers. We play with chalk. That stuff is toxic. Plus we have to be all role-modelishy all day. It’s exhausting. People come here to be a little sketchy.
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I`m sure my husband is smart- but he`s most proud of his large noggin. He and his college buddies decided the most accurate way of proving whose bucket head was the largest was to see which one displaced the largest amount of water when submerged in water of water. He won. A proud moment.
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Thank you for suggesting my next party game Emily.
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Oops- that was a bucket of water.
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Emily! That story is outstanding in every way. Even the “water of water.” 😉
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Hey there Jamie! Freakin’ awesome material! I am now subscribed to read your shizz.
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You won’t regret it, El. Jamie is funny. Funny. Funnyyyyyyy. Like the way all the cool kids spell it. 😉
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I know it. And back in the days that I had Midnight Marijuana Jokes (whew it HAS been awhile), I used to spell it fuuuuuuuuny, lol!
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Subscribed means we are now best friends. Which means I can stay at our house when driving through town.
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Guess what I lost out of the mesh pocket in my shorts when we went to the lake?
Keys.
To a brand new car.
That belonged to my father-in-law.
Who had driven us to the lake in it.
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Oh no you didn’t. (Or did you?) Fo’ reals. Does he still call you his favorite son-in-law?
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True story, and yes he still calls me that.
Might have something to do with the fact I’m his only son-in-law…
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Umm… That is a sad story. For you. Funny for us.
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Agreed. I love that, Ricky. Just remind me that when we meet up, I’m the one holding the keys. 😉
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Oh Jamie, I loved that. I was picturing leaning in each direction of the phone ringing. I can never find my phone either. And I always have my ringer off so I can’t ever find it. UGH!
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Combining ADD with my level of intellect is simply dangerous.
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