I can’t help it.
I love to read personal ads.
Especially the ones where people write to strangers. You know the ones? A person has seen someone somewhere, and that person feels compelled to write about the *moment* in hopes that this person *might* see it and then recognize him or herself so they *might* hook up and live happily ever after.
First of all, I want to see one documented case – one – where this approach has ever worked.
Especially ones like these from isawyou.com:
These crack me up.
Omigoodness.
In the name of fun, I’d like you to imagine that you are flipping through some local edgy magazine or some wonky online website when you see it.
Someone has written a personal ad.
And you know it’s about you.
Here’s how I imagine mine would go:
Last Monday. 1 pm. Seen leaving MCC campus. Woman dragging an unattractive wheelie-bag wearing a hat and a smile. You disappeared between a row of cars. I tried to come for you, but I don’t have a pass for Lot K. Can I buy you a ginger ale?
I can’t even tell you how much fun I had writing that, and it isn’t even that great!
So here is your chance!
In the comments, write a personal ad about yourself.
It can be fact or fiction or a hybrid.
Oh, and keep them under 50 words.
Personal ads ain’t cheap.
Unless you are on Craigslist.
Or isawyou.com.
Okay, who am I kidding? Even if they cost $750, personal ads are cheap.
But may they never disappear. Never.
tweet me @rasjacobson
renée a. schuls-jacobson 
I saw you at the latest municipal council meeting taking notes furiously–but glanced over and saw that you were doodling during the discussion about drainage issues. Are you a reporter? Fancy meeting for a before council drink?
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Oooh! A doodler. I love a good doodler. 😉
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You entranced me as you sat at the bar sipping a martini with your heaving cleavage as you laughed and told jokes. I was as captivated as the audience sitting around you was. May I buy you another martini?
(a girl can dream she’s that fabulous can’t she?)
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I can attest to the heaving cleavage. 🙂
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You could have at least thrown me a bone on the fabulous part too. lol Or maybe I’m just a barfly. 😦
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And you are, of course, fabulous! That goes without saying. I just forgot to say it! 😉
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You were in the check out line at the Kroger – 3 frozen meals, a box of mac n cheese, and 2 bananas. Single? I hope so!
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You’ve got to love a woman who knows how to cook. Who wouldn’t? 😉
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Ha! “You are called Andy.” So epic.
I saw you trudging through the streets of Baltimore, harried and tired-looking, bundled in earmuffs and scarf, dragging a cart full of files. You look like you could use a drink. Join me?
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Like!!!
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We would make a pretty pair. You in your earmuffs and scarf, me in my hat and sleeping bag coat.
I could call you Andy if you like. LOL! Can you believe that one?
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I saw you, tall blonde with impeccable style, on Friday at 5pm buying 3 bottles of Korbel, and knew I wanted to celebrate -economically- every weekend for the rest of my life with you. Also your dog was in the car and he’s the cutest f&&*#&@ thing I’ve ever seen.
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I would love to celebrate economically with you. I’ll pay for the box of wine for our second date. Do you have a dog? If so, I’ll love you forever. 😉
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You were checking out at Target in front of me. The cashier was scanning a large amount of small socks. Maybe you know where they all go? Your perfume was distinctive, a cross between spit-up and pureed sweet potatoes. Would you like a free au pair?
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I love that scent and I have a thing for little socks. Do you think you are the one for me? 🙂
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Me: the woman who was kind of a cross between Tina Fey, Lokelani McMichael, and Chrissie Hynde, in charge of giving out massive endowments for the arts.
You: Handsome man in black who was telling such great stories and drinking a sazerac. Then you started playing with the cutest (and wiggliest) God damn baby I’ve ever seen, and I think I started ovulating.
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I’m like totally into swinging. Bring the wiggly baby and let’s make it a foursome.
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Ha I just spit my coffee all over myself…..now that would make a good beginning to an ISY ad….coming right up! =)
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I didn’t mean to make you spit. I, of course, always swallow. LOL. Stop by tomorrow for Tingo Tuesday and a chance to win the monthly spot in my sidebar! 🙂
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Haha you are baaad….I was inspired by this post to write backstories to a couple of missed connections someone posted over the weekend. Totally fun writing exercise.
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SHUT UP! You were not! Really? How fun is THAT exercise! I’m glad my little game inspired you. I generally do one serious post and one silly post each week. (And then a monthly mash-up of favorite posts from other people. I’m glad you liked this silly one.) Tingo Tuesday is a bit of an off-week for me. You’ll see. 😉
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Oh yeah. I’ll post ’em in next couple of days and you can assess for yourself. What is this Tingo Tuesday I do not know….but I’ll check it out!
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Definitely let me know! And Tingo Tuesday is TOMORROW! 😉
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You walked past me carrying a pizza box. We made eye contact and you winked. You: Tall with brown hair and brown eyes. Me: Blue eyes and wearing a hot pink ski hat with tassles, average height and a slim build. Your pizza smelled delicious, and your coy wink just screamed “One night stand”. Please find me so we can lose each other again.
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I remember you: I was like: “Do you like pepperoni?” And you got all giggly for some reason that I didn’t understand – cuz what’s so funny about pepperoni, ya know? It’s just a long, spicy meat tube. 😉
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Pepperoni. Oh, that’s unfortunate. I’m more of an Italian sausage girl. Perhaps you’re not the one night stand of my dreams, after all.
Now…. What happens when two of these folks actually meet up, or when someone meets the description enough to answer it? That’s pretty much a rom-com just waiting to happen.
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No, no. That’s what I meant. I meant: I was like do you like SAUSAGE. And then you got all giggly and cute. Seriously, I’m the one for you. C’mon, baby.
Yeah. I don’t know what happens when people actually hook up, but I do know people who have met online and have successful marriages.
Why not us, baby? 😘
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I have always wanted to live in Hawaii… 😉
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That’s like cosmic kismet. I live on Maui, baby. Come hang ten with me.
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Absolutely. I won’t even feel like I’ve earned my crazy badge until I move thousands of miles away for a complete stranger who winked…
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Well you’ll have to pay for your own ticket. I’m into equality and stuff. Plus, I deliver pizzas.
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I saw you buying thermal underwear at Costco. You were wearing a scruffy Toronto Maple Leafs toque and there was a glimmer of hope in your eyes when I whispered “Go Leafs” as I went by. How about a beer at Dooley’s Sports Bar?
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I remember you, eh. I’ll bet you could keep me warmer than those thermals from Costco. IYKWIM. Yeah, I’ll buy you a beer. 😉
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Oh gosh – this is hysterical.
I saw you at Costco. You were wearing grey yoga pants and a University of Virginia sweatshirt. You had two kids with you, who kept climbing up your leg. I followed you down several aisles and made eye contact with you finally as we both reached for a bulk size bag of Tostitos. My hand grazed yours. You said, “Excuse me,” but the look in your eyes told me that you wanted to say more. But then one of the kids wiped their nose on your pants and the moment was lost. If you see this, meet me at Costco on Saturday morning. Next to our special place. The chips aisle.
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It’s me. I’ve been wandering around Costco everyday since that day, just hoping you’d come back for salsa or maybe those giant cans of refried beans. I’ll be there on Saturday, waiting for you. Wear your yoga pants. 😉
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To the tall hot girl in line at the Survivor tryouts. I know you will look great in a bikini, but I don’t know about that cap. You look like the type people would want to take to the end. I hope we both make it on the show, but in case you don’t, maybe we should meet sooner and make an… alliance.
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Like omigosh! I can’t even believe that you noticed me. Like I was totally noticing you. Like I know you were trying to hide behind your coffee mug and everything, but I could tell that you are the kind of person who was digging my bikini. But not in a pervy way. In a nice, appreciative way. I’m all about alliances, Teddy Bear. Do you mind if I call you Teddy Bear? That way it won’t too weird when I cuddle up to you on the island. 😉
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To the tall guy waiting in line at the deli. I was the one drooling over the roast beef while steaming up the glass. The butcher came over and asked if there was anything else, but I couldn’t tell him that what I wanted was in line.
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Hey, yo. I think that was me you were hanking for. I didn’t think you were so into the meat. IYKWIM. I’m here for you. COme back to the deli tomorrow around noon. We can share a sandwich and take it to the next level.
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To the MILF I saw last night in the grocery: I completely agreed with you when you told your son a venti from Starbucks was more caffeine and sugar than any human being should consume, much less a 15-year old boy. I just can’t stop thinking about your ability to make that young man obey your every command – perhaps you can use your powers to rein in my own mischievous behavior? Or at least let me touch your hair….Call me, maybe?
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Hey, listen up chump. I had a feeling you were checking me out. I’m a girl who knows what she wants and goes out to get it. Meet me at the Hilton Garden Inn tonight. Room 1326, Building B. If you are on time, maybe I’ll let you touch my hair. No alcohol. Just bring a few silk scarves. I’ve got the hot wax.
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ROFL! ALL of these comments are priceless! Thanks for the chuckle today, Renee 🙂
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Dawn! Thank you for the fabulous email! I promise to write back more fully soon. Meanwhile, good for you for figuring all of that out and for bring generous enough to share the information!
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Too funny. Who knew there was a site devoted to finding lost love?!
I saw you – twice. First at the Lame Excuse pub and used book store. You were thumbing through a dog-eared copy of Bronte. You whispered “Heathcliff” and our eyes met briefly. Later, I saw you in a dream, walking on the moor in the mist and the cold. It might have been the Guinness. . . .
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No way. I cannot believe. I cannot. I mean, yes, I like Bronte. But I didn’t think you noticed me. I’m from Halifax originally, and I was feeling rather homesick when I saw you. Are you my sweet Catherine? I would love to walk on the moors with you, but right now i just want more of you. Did you see what I did there? How I played with language? I hope you like that kind of thing. You like Guinness? How about we meet at that pub and share a drink — and some poetry?
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I saw you in the halls of congress. You were bold and brazen. You had a huge smile on your face as a lobbyist passed you a fat envelope and said “Merry Christmas”. Me: I’m the underage congressional aid with a thing for overfed, overpaid, ethically flexible congressmen. Meet me in the hallway behind the congressional shooting range tomorrow at 6 AM for the thrill of your life.
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Hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah
well done.
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I’m so glad that you noticed me. I don’t think you saw what you think you saw. You seem confused, but we can get together to discuss these matters, I’m sure. Stop by my office at 5:45 AM. Before, we head out for the shooting range, I’ve got a few repairs to make. Nothing a little silver duct tape won’t solve. I’ll assume it’s a date. 😉
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–To the woman in black leaving an elementary school @ 2:30 PM.
You were carrying a leopard bag and a coffee cup with pink lips all over it.
Your silk scarf was trailing behind you like a jet stream.
You appeared really stressed out, but you still managed to smile at a stranger who walked past you.
That man was me.
Call me at …….
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I knew that you were watching me. Baby, I am like a G6. Like a G6. Nanananana. Seriously, I will smile and you, but you are going to have to jump through some hoops if you wanna be with me. Come to the school again. Try saying hello this time. I’m not into the sneaky stuff. 😉
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To the guy who needs to buy a new razor: you spit coffee all over yourself, were you laughing at an XKCD comic? The liquid soaked into your too many days of growth beard, giving you the appearance of someone who had just spit coffee all over themselves. I was the zombie with candycane striped shirt a couple of tables over. Call me if you like braaaaaaaaaains
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I saw that guy, too. He was smokin’ hot. I loved his scraggly beard and I followed him home. In fact, I’m in his house now because I love brains. And first I’m going to pick his brains and then I’m going to eat him all up. Sorry. First come, first served. 😉
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I love this! What a great idea! Well done, mama!
We had a moment at the gym yesterday. Me, blue eyed with a devilishly handsome grin. You, adorably sweaty, blowing hair out of your face and kicking serious kickboxing ass. When our eyes met, and you wiped the sweat dripping into your eyes, you took my breath away. Do you believe in love at first sight? Wanna release some of that pent up frustration with me?
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I can’t believe you noticed me. You were so hot in your yoga pants. Let’s take that kick-boxing class together on Saturday. I like to play rough, and I can tell you do, too. No biting though, okay? See you at the gym. 😉
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Through the stacks of library books, I saw you, foxy redhead with Season 2 of Downton Abbey in hand. I’m all caught up on Season 1, would you care for a marathon mate? I may come in tux and read you poetry. I hope you don’t mind.
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I’m just a little Ginger, but I’m so glad you noticed me. I’d love to snuggle up on the couch with you as we watch the Crawley family and their servants. Would you like to be my servant? Because that would be brilliant. I think it is only fair to tell you: it has been arranged for me to marry my cousin. I hope this is not a problem. 😉
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LOL! No, it is not a problem, but then I should tell you that I’m already married. Is that a problem? If so, I know how to encourage accidents… 😀
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Well then, there might be four if us. I think this arrangement sounds promising. I’m sure your spouse won’t mind a bit.
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You: short brunette in a tech support t-shirt and jeans, explaining to the checkout girl the names of various produce items she couldn’t identify.
Me: enamored with your geeky taste, messy hair, no makeup, and obvious culinary knowledge. Meet me at the back of the comic book store by the life-size Tardis and we’ll split that $6 bottle of wine you got carded for.
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I can’t believe you heard me explaining the difference between artichokes and avocado. So embarrassing. And you still like me? I’ll be there. We will make beautiful babies together. Or at least read comics in bed. 😉
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I used to get the biggest kick out of the missed connections on Craigslist. One listed an account we did business with, and we knew the red-headed woman the writer referred to. Freaked her out when she saw the ad. Seriously. *freaked*
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How did you KNOW that it was really about that person? That’s so fascinating!
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I can’t remember exactly, but they listed the company and described her as having red hair (which narrowed it down). I think they even mentioned her name. The funny part was her trying to figure who the creeper was! I think they narrowed it down do to the UPS guy. LOL.
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Oh this happened at my co. once too….the guy put “[Co. name] Beauty” and proceeded to describe her. It was kinda weird when we figured out who it was. Though he wasn’t creepy….it was just a socially awkward move. Boy I know a lot about those. Never done that though, seems like something to avoid.
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I passed you in the hallway. You had your head down, walking away like you were on a mission. I was leaning backwards in the doorway, checking out your butt and watching your hair sway down your back. You didn’t see me do that because I ducked back in real fast when you turned around, but I wish you had.
I was the chick in the kitchen, trying to feed the dog and the other dog and the cat and the fifteen other various animals. You were the guy on the way out the door to work at 8am on the one day I had off. Shame that.
I’d like to meet you for coffee we don’t drink in the silence that’s rare in the house and limited to those mornings when you come home at o’dark-am and pass me in the hall when I’m on my own way out to work. It’s only thirty minutes, but I’d like to spend it getting reacquainted with your butt. Not… you know… actually drinking that nasty coffee.
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It’s over fifty words, but hey.
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So funny you didn’t think I noticed you checking out my butt. I saw you. I. So. Saw. You. Hard not to notice the girl feeding the animals in the alley. Let’s get together and not drink coffee together. How about down at The Royal Blend on the Quarter on Saturday night? No more shame.
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