Offering Options

Posted on May 24, 2013 | 2 Comments

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I’m at 3 Things For Mom today, where every day a different writer shares a “truth” (a life lesson, observation or insight), a “tip” (a practical “how-to” shared in the sisterhood) and a “find” (a product that person loves).

I enjoy reading these short posts, lovingly collected by editor Lauren Warner.

Click HERE to follow me there. You know I’ll respond!

• • •

Screen Shot 2013-05-01 at 1.14.19 PMIn case you missed it, there’s  still time to enter to win a copy of author Leanne Shirtliffe’s book Don’t Lick the Minivan.

All you have to do is leave a comment telling me about a time you when you were a wee bit naughty as a kid.

Or, if you prefer, you can tattle on your kids and tell me about some of their antics that drove you to pain and chaos.

I encourage you read the entire comment thread, as the stories folks have shared are not to be believed.

Enter until Sunday night at 6 pm.

One winner will be announced Monday 5/27 at 7 am.

• • •
Kracke.Photography.Jacobson.BarMitzvah.06.23.12-0279

I raise a beaker of ginger ale to Hubby!

In other news, it’s my Hubby’s 47th b’day today.

He doesn’t read my blog.

But if you see him, you can tell him you remembered.

It’ll make him feel good.

I’ll take care of the rest.

Later.

*IYKWIM. <— And I think you do.

* If you don’t know what this means, Google it. :)

tweet me @rasjacobson

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Don’t Lick The Minivan: A Review and #Giveaway

Posted on May 21, 2013 | 124 Comments

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When my son was an infant, I knew I was doing everything wrong.

I was sure of it.

Looking around, I saw smiling mommies bouncing quiet babies on their knees.

Meanwhile, I had The Screaming One.

I was failing Motherhood-101, and I had no one to confide in.

Leanne Shirtliffe’s book Don’t Lick The Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say To My Kids has hit the stores, and — boy oh boy — do I wish I had it 13 years ago.

While living abroad in Thailand, Leanne gave birth to twins, William and Vivian. After a bit of a rocky start, Leanne found the babies (she lost them on the way home from the hospital), the right nursing bra (not so easy in a country where boobies are slightly less bodacious than ripe Canadian ta-tas), and she started to find funny everywhere.

You know those days when you’re feeling like you’re the world’s suckiest parent with rotten-good-for-nothing kids?

Leanne teaches us to find humor in those low moments.

She tells us how:

  • Her husband left the babies with drunken strangers. (Sorry to throw you under the tuk-tuk, Chris.)
  • William liked to pee. Everywhere. On everything.
  • Vivian drew on the dining room table. Using a Sharpie. (The permanent kind.)
  • The twins carved their names into her minivan’s paint…with rocks.

She sucks at crafts.

She’s anti-glitter.

She let her son sleep next to a turd.

Leanne has this way of making us see the humor in the exchanges we have with our kids. When you are suffering through life’s most unfunny moments, remember we are all partners in this ordinary, extraordinary thing: raising tiny humans. And Leanne? She reminds us it’s okay to laugh with them – as well as at them.

Because Leanne is yummypickles, one person is going to be able to win a copy of Don’t Lick The Minivan.

What do you have to do to win?

Leave me a comment telling me a naughty thing you did as a child that you thought was hilarious OR tell me something naughty that one (or more) of your kids did that was heinous at the time, but you can look back at now and laugh. Kind of.

Can’t wait to win a contest? Buy Don’t Lick the Minivan on Amazon.

Buy Don’t Lick the Minivan at Barnes & Noble 

They even have an audible version. Listen to the sample.

tweet us @rasjacobson & @lshirtliffe

NOTE: This contest is open to residents of the US and Canada only. Random Number Generator will be helping me on this one. One winner will be announced on my blog on May 27th. If that person doesn’t contact me within 24 hours, I’ll select another winner. Don’t be that turd.

• • •

Ain't she cute?

Ain’t she cute?

Leanne Shirtliffe’s book, Don’t Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say to my Kids, has received glowing endorsements from Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess), Jill Smokler (Scary Mommy), Kirkus Review, and others. When she’s not stopping her eight-year-old twins from licking frozen flagpoles, Leanne keeps a blog at ironicmom.com and teaches English to teenagers who are slightly less hormonal than she is. Follow her on Twitter at @lshirtliffe.

NOTE: Michelle from Steadily Skipping Stones recorded a fun interview video with Leanne on her blog! When you are done reading this post, click HERE to hear Leanne answer silly and serious questions from her fans.

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Posted in Writing Life

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On Lilacs and Lilly Bag Prizewinner Announced

Posted on May 20, 2013 | 30 Comments

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Each May, Rochester holds a Lilac Festival that runs over two weekends.

Some years, the weather is perfect, but the lilac trees have passed their peak. So, you know, everyone traipses around looking at slightly brown buds.

Other years, it’s freezing cold.

Still other years, it freakin’ rains the whole dang time.

Sometimes, it’s mad hot and everyone is sweaty and complaining.

What I’m getting at is that it’s a tough month to hold a festival.

This year, we caught more than our fair share of solidly beautiful days, so I made the mistake of signing up to run a 5K with my son. One of us took 41:00 minutes to come in 900th place, and then puked my way down there to get a few photos.

I love the Lilac Fest. The purple flowers on the trees speak to me.

No, I don’t hear voices.

But I hear a reassuring voice that reminds me summer is on the way.

I also hear another voice. It’s slightly louder. It says:

GIRL, PUT AWAY YOUR SLEEPING BAG COAT! IT’S SAFE NOW. PROBABLY. I MEAN IT MAY NOT BE, BUT THE LIKELIHOOD OF THE TEMPERATURE DROPPING BELOW FREEZING IS DECREASING DAILY. SO TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH AND MOVE THAT PUFFY BLACK COAT FROM THE HOOK IN THE HALL TO THE CLOSET. HIDE IT. DO IT!

And I do.

Because when you see things like this?

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Well, how can you not have faith?

And speaking of faith, I know some of you are here because you have faith.

You believe.

And now you just want to know.

Who won the dang Lilly Pulitzer bag?

I know. Not the smoothest segue way.

Be cool.

I have to show you something first.

A couple of people sent me photographs to boost their odds of winning the Lilly bag. Each photo earned folks five points in addition to any points they might have accrued for leaving me comments, tweet and Facebook shares.

And now I have to share them with you!

Aimee Broussard is kind of like the Martha Stewart of the South. Except she’s younger. And perkier. And wicked nice. I met Aimee at BlissDom, and I developed an instant crush on her. She crafts. She bakes. She makes and sells fabulous aprons. If you want to see a gorgeous blog, look HERE. Y’all, Aimee cyber-pummeled me with pictures of all her Lilly-wear. She sent me this photo of herself and some hot plantation owner in Louisiana.

Aimee

Scarf, duly noted.

As if THAT wasn’t enough, she tweeted my post and sent this picture of her current handbag.

Aimee Handbag

More points

With her comments, her tweets, her Facebook shares and her photo submissions, Aimee earned twenty-eleventy-two and 1/2 bazillion points. If the contest had not been left up to Random Generator, I think it is fair to say, she would have been the clear winner.

And yet, Random Number Generator was running this show.

Because I knew I could never have been impartial on this one.

Also, I was scared. I didn’t know how out of control this thing was going to get.

~• • •~

Sheri Burns is not a blogger, but she often leaves kind words on my Facebook Page. She told me to be on the lookout because she was sending me a picture of her current handbag. She warned me not to laugh. I assured her I wouldn’t.

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Booty shot: 5 points

What can I say?

I laughed.

~• • •~

Misty of Misty’s Laws just wrote a faboosh guest post for me as part of my #SoWrong series.  (Check out “To Bra or Not to Bra” if you missed it.) Anyhoo, Misty submitted two photos of her purse. The second photo features a close-up of the “shreddedness” of her handbag, but I’m only posting the first one. You’ll have to believe me when I tell you there are puncture wounds in her purse.

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Another entry came from Maria of brickhousechick. I recently pressured  her into revealing her first name, which she did. She wrote a post about it HERE! Maria sent this pic:

Maria

And this paragraph:

Hello Renee:
Reasons  I would like to win the bag:

  1. I don’t own one
  2. I love everything  pink (as you can see by my sweater and lipstick), and her stuff always has pink in it!
  3. I need to replace the sad aluminum foil bag I have 
  4. I, too, have frizzy hair and iron it flat every day.
  5. I am nice
  6. I commented on your 1,101st Day in Blogosphere Blog 
  7. I commented on your Lilly Pulitzer Dress Post 
  8. I  enclosed a photo of myself holding something Lilly (kinda)
  9. I emailed an image of my sad aluminum foil bag. 
  10. I tweeted your post and am now following you
  11. I shared your post on Facebook 
  12. My name is Maria (hee hee)

I counted up all the entries as we went along, putting names on the appropriate number of lines in one Excel document. Then I let Random Number Generator do the work.

Sheri Burns was attached to #73. And how can we begrudge her, right? I mean she deserves a little Lilly, yes? So I’ve got your email already Sheri. I’ll email you to get your home address! Congratulations! And thank you to everyone who entered! I loved reading your words!

tweet me @rasjacobson

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Posted in When Life Doesn't Fit in a File Folder

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To Bra or Not to Bra: A #SoWrong Moment by Misty

Posted on May 17, 2013 | 127 Comments
SoWrong

Click on the eyeball to be directed to other writers who are participating in this series!

You guys, Misty is sharing her humiliating moment today, and it’s a doozie. For those of you unfamiliar with her, Misty is Mister-ious. {Did you see what I did there?} Like sometimes I wonder if her name is really Misty. You see, I’ve never seen Misty. I’ve only seen her sandals, the avatar she uses in association with her comments. Readers of her blog know Misty has kids and one helluva husband. She claims to be a lawyer. But there are no pictures of her. None. After reading this piece, I feel able to say with some degree of certainty that Misty has boobs. Follow my girl at Misty’s Laws. You can also follow her on Facebook.
• • •
To Bra or Not To Bra

I’ve never been very fashionable.  This statement was never more apt than during my teenaged years.

Back in the early nineties, there was a trend in fashion of girls wearing these leotard like shirts that had snaps at the crotch, like a baby’s onesie.  I have no idea why these things were popular for grown people, but I owned a couple of them.  Some of them actually looked like shirts, until you got to those hanging flaps with the snaps at the bottom, but if you were wearing one with pants, sometimes it wasn’t obvious that it wasn’t a regular shirt.  I had one or two of those kind.  However, I also had a few of the other type . . . the stretchy ones that looked like a leotard.  And when you pulled those little flaps down to snap them below, it became even more . . . taut.

One night, when I was about 17, I was getting dressed to go out with a friend to a high school wrestling match, where I would also be hanging out with a guy I was “dating.”  (Those quotation marks are an entirely separate embarrassing story, thanks).  I had just bought one of those stretchy leotard type shirts, but had yet to wear it.  I figured this would be a good time to break it in.  It was a long sleeve, deep forest green shirt, made of a pretty thin material.  However, when I tried it on, I realized that it just didn’t really look right.  In an attempt to get a second opinion, I called upon my mom for her advice . . .

Me:  “Does this shirt look weird?  I mean, you can totally see the outline of my bra and the straps right through it.”

Mom:  “Yeah, it does look a bit odd.  What if you just don’t wear a bra?”

Me:  “Really?”

So, I took off the bra and we both viewed what it looked like without it.  Please note, that at the time I had 17-year-old boobs.  They pretty much stayed right where they were supposed to, as this was years prior to me birthing two wee tots  that would proceed to use them as their own personal udders.  They were perky at that point, is what I’m saying.

Mom:  “I think that looks better.  This way you can’t see the straps!”

Me:  “Ok, if you say so . . .”

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It was pretty much EXACTLY like this, but with less penis (and more boobs).

And yes, I actually left the house, with my mom’s blessing, nay at her beseeching, in a thin (practically sheer) top, sans protective boob covering.

Did I mention it was winter? So, it was cold outside. Not in my bedroom as I was getting dressed, but definitely outside. Pretty sure you can figure out what that means.

When I picked up my friend and “boyfriend,” I was wearing a coat, but when we arrived at the gym, I removed the coat. Did I mention it was chilly in the gym as well? Yeah. So that was when the problem became evident. Well, to everyone but me, I suppose.

Instead of realizing the wrongness of the situation, I instead just went about my business, all oblivious-like. You see, I was a teenaged girl.  And I was sitting on bleachers, watching a boring sporting event with another teenaged girl.  So, to pass the time, we engaged in a favorite activity of all teenaged girls everywhere over the history of all teenagedom . . . cattiness.

That’s right, we sat there being snarky about what the other people in the gym were wearing, and basically made fun of things that we thought weren’t “cool.”

After listening to us engage in this activity for a while, my “boyfriend” looked over at me and said this:

“How can you make fun of how other people look, when you are sitting there with your boobs hanging out for the world to see?”

Wait . . . what?

Well then. Wasn’t that just a punch in the gut. Really, it was like a smack upside my foolish head. So, instead of crawling under the bleachers to hide, I just went ahead and put my coat back on, and wore it for the remainder of the wrestling match.  Talk about a reality check.

After the match, I went to drop off my friend at her boyfriend’s house nearby.  He lived with a few other guys, and we all went inside to say hello and socialize for a bit.  However, I didn’t take off my coat. When one of the guys asked why I was sitting there all bundled up in my coat, my friend oh so helpfully told them why.  To which, their incredibly understanding and empathetic response was:

“Show us your tits, Misty!!”

I chose to decline their kind entreaty, and instead I slunk out of there, completely and utterly mortified.  And I have never not worn a bra out of the house again.  Some lessons I guess you have to learn through experience.

Thanks a lot, mom.

 tweet me @rasjacobson

My Lilly Pulitzer handbag giveaway ends today at noon, Eastern! Click HERE for details! It’s not too late. Unless it is.

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Posted in Guest Writers, Sexuality

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It’s My 1,101st Day in The Blogosphere

Posted on May 15, 2013 | 68 Comments

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Some of you may have missed that it was my blogoversary on Monday.

You know because it was buried under my Lilly Pulitzer handbag giveaway.

So yeah. I’m two days into my 4th year in the blogosphere.

And I wanted to thank everyone again for sticking with me through thick and thin.

And I wanted to share some random information.

MY FIRST CYBER-FRIEND

The very first cyber-friend I made was Carl D’agostino, a fantastic cartoonist and writer who writes at I Know I Made You Smile. From time to time, Carl and I send each other emails and he recently sent me this:

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Carl knows my son used to have a thing for Ticonderoga pencils. I should probably report that Tech has graduated to mechanical pencils. We should have expected this, of course. I’ll worry when I see he’s ordered a pocket protector from Amazon.com.

MY BEST DAY IN BLOGGING

It happened on March 7, 2011. I got 3,42o visits to my blog when I wrote about How I Tricked My Book Club Into Writing. Yeah. I know, right? Whatever that was about? I’d like that to happen again. You know, like, everyday.

GOOGLE Search Terms THAT BROUGHT PEOPLE Here

intimidacion escolar. I had to Google that, but then I realized people were looking for information about bullying. In Spanish. They may have been looking for THIS or THIS or THIS.

i want to quit the flute. Yeah, so did I. Also, I think my mother is still pretty pissed about that. That said, I think these folks landed on Let ‘Em Quit or Make ‘Em Play, which is something we struggled with at one point.

teacher on her period. Yeah. That happened, Not to me! Omigosh! No no no! But to one of my teachers. It was ugly. You can read about it HERE.

meat truck scams. For those of you who have been here for a while, you know I have done some wicked stupid things. But this was really dumb. Yes, I did, in fact, purchase meat from a meat truck. And it was not at all delicious. But I’m pretty sure that Nigerian Prince stuff is legit, and I’m expecting that guy to pay me back any day now.

kitajska abeceda. I have no clue. Sorry, person. You’re on your own.

The Post That Receives The Most On-going Spam

Darla.

You wrote an amazing post (“Dear Diary: I Hate You”) where you cited stuff directly from your middle school diary. Apparently, you made so many references to now outdated items, every wholesaler and retailer wants to help you. They want you to buy their clothes, handbags, and wrinkle creams. Mostly, I think they’re concerned that you’ve still got that big comb hanging out of your back pocket. This is probably the most offensive outstanding piece of SPAM that I’ve ever received. Ever. Seriously, you HAVE to click on it.

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I’m holding onto this stuff for you, Dar. Let me know if you’d like me to forward the hundreds of pieces of SPAM that have come my way since you posted that doozie. How much do I want to make out with my Askimet SPAM filter right now?

I would like to thank the other talented writers who have posted in this year’s #SoWrong Series so far. They have set the bar pretty dang high. And I’m so grateful they’ve chosen to participate. Yeah, I’m talking to you Dan, Tori, Jules, Pegoleg, and —  get psyched — because Misty from Misty’s Laws is going to be here on Friday! Her piece: “To Bra or Not To Bra?” Divine.

The Regulars

Certain people show up regularly to say hello. And I need to thank them. Because there’s actually something reassuring about seeing those familiar avatars.

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Please don’t ever break up with me. You know, like Tad did.

Bless every one of you for making this blog so much fun for me over the last 3 years. I’ve said it before, but your comments really are like chocolates, and me likes the chocolates. Please know that I LOVE to read your words. You don’t have to agree with me (only my husband has to do that!), but never be afraid to leave a comment. I know a bunch of you prefer to lurk. That’s cool, too.

Did you know that Instagram is my new lover? It’s true. If you’d like to follow me there, please do.

Also, you have until Friday at noon to try to win that cool Lilly Pulitzer handbag. And, no, you don’t have to have girl parts to enter. Guys, be proactive. Win this handbag and that special someone in your life will love you forever! Or what do I care? Use it yourself!

LOVElove

xoRASJ

tweet me @rasjacobson

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In Memory of Lilly: Lilly Pulitzer Bag Giveaway

Posted on May 13, 2013 | 37 Comments

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Lily Pulitzer passed away last month, on April 7, 2013 at the age of 81. I’m confident her legacy of brightly colored fabrics featuring flamingos & seals & peacocks & turtles & elephants & hippoptamuses & flowers & flowers & flowers will live on forever. A believer in the power of whimsy, I like to think we would have been friends.

If you saw my post earlier this week about how I Have One Lilly Pulitzer Dress, you might want to go back and read it.

Seriously.

Okay.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you are here because to hell with that you want to win the Lilly bag, you’re in the right place.

*smiles*

Today, as I enter my 4th year in the blogosphere and publish my 500th post, I need to thank you, my readers. I appreciate that you read my words and that you keep coming back. You’ve celebrated with me and held me up during difficult times. You laughed when I confessed to being #SoWrong, and you play my silly language games.

You help to quiet the critical voices that live in my head and remind me believe in myself.

Bottom line, you inspire me to write.

Because of you, I want someone out there to have a little Lilly in her life.

Because no one should ever listen to a flat-chested girl named Courtney. 

Also because this bag is adorable.

Men, do not be fooled. This is NOT just a contest for women.

Check out how much Lilly handbags and clothes go for. You can enter and give your winnings a a deserving woman in your life. Or  *insert evil grin* if you win, you can stick the thing up on eBay and use the cash to buy beer and motor oil! So this giveaway is for you, too.

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There ARE MANY WAYS YOU CAN ENTER TO WIN:

  1. Leave a comment on this post telling me why you’d like to win this bag. (1 point)
  2. Read THIS POST and leave a comment THERE. (1 point) Did this already? Guess what? You already have 1 point! Yay!
  3. If you are a Lilly lover, email me a photo of yourself wearing/holding something Lilly. You can use Photoshop! Be creative. Include a short paragraph telling me why you need this bag. (5 points)
  4. Email me an image of your current sad-looking handbag. Include a short paragraph telling me why you’d like to win this bag. (5 points)
  5. Tweet this post. You can tweet your own way (just be sure to include my handle) or, if it helps, you can copy this text right into Twitter:  I just entered to win a @LillyPulitzer handbag. Check out this #giveaway http://wp.me/pViQq-3WX via @rasjacobson! (1 point)
  6. Facebook share this post. If you can’t tag me, copy the URL of the page where you shared the post and put it on my blog in a separate entry. (1 point)

The Rules

1. The contest is open only to residents of the United States & Canada. Sorry, I can’t spend 11.3 jazillion dollars shipping this bag abroad.

2. Photos should be sent to rasjacobsonny {at} gmail {d0t} com by Friday, May 17th at noon, Eastern. Be sure to include your name. If you’re a blogger, include your blog URL, so I can link up to you. If you’re on Twitter, please include your handle  – as that is the fastest way to contact winners! If you are neither a blogger nor on Twitter, don’t worry, you can still win! Just be sure to include your name with your email!

3. Entrants agree to have their photos appear in a future post. (You know, if I’m actually that organized… Because I think it would be fun to show a bunch of pics!)

4. DISCLAIMER: I have no idea how big or how small this contest will be, but I’m mentally prepared to put all names and associated points into an ridiculously complicated Excel spreadsheet. Every name will be associated with individual numbers based on a point system based on your number of entries. Random Number Generator will select the winner. You can do as many or as few things to win as you’d like. Obviously, your odds of winning increase if you do more things to win! And yes, you can enter every which way. You can comment on both posts and tweet and Facebook share! You can send a photo of yourself wearing Lilly and send a separate photo of your handbag. Just be sure to send separate emails.

5. One winner will be announced on May 20th, on my blog. If the winner does not respond within 24 hours, I’m keeping this bag another winner will be selected. Please don’t do that do me. I think I may collapse after this giveaway.

tweet me @rasjacobson

I was not sponsored by anyone for this giveaway. I just want to make someone happy. Like Lilly did.  Also, please don’t be offended, but I’m not responding to people’s comments on this post. I have a feeling this is going to get crazy. You know, or not.

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Posted in Hair & Fashion, When Life Doesn't Fit in a File Folder

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My Mother Was Hot Stuff

Posted on May 9, 2013 | 73 Comments
pink&yellow

My mom & I circa 1970.

My mom was hot stuff when I was little.

She was pretty and had straight teeth.

She wore pink hoop earrings and wore floppy hats.

She did cartwheels with the girls who lived in the white house across the street.

My mother is in nearly all of my earliest childhood memories. She encouraged me to paint, explore calligraphy, and use pipe cleaners to make frogs and ladybugs. She loved when I sang and danced and rode horses and did backflips off the diving board. 

When I was sick, my mother brought the black-and-white television into my bedroom along with a little bell, which she told me to ring if I needed anything. On those miserable days, I watched My Three Sons and The Don Ho Show until my mother emerged with green medicine and Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup served on a swirly green and blue plastic tray.

One day, I didn’t want to be my mother’s twin anymore.

Pink and yellow were not my colors.

I remember shouting and slamming doors: the tears.

I saw my mother throw her hands up, exhausted, not knowing what else to do.

I felt powerful then. Driving her to pain and chaos was fun.

Now that I have a teenager in the house, I want to tell my mother, I’m sorry. Because I see how precious it is, that time when our children are young. And what a gift it is, to let a mother hold on to the little things for another day, another year.

Because it hurts when our children reject our cuddles.

Because it was cruel to play with her heart.

Even when I didn’t give her any credit, my mother has remained steadfast, guiding me with an invisible hand.

She still is.

I suspect she always will be.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Hey mom, you have two good hands. And from the looks of this photo, you knew how to style your own hair. Do you think you could have done something with mine? Seriously. Also, if you still have that hat, can I have borrow it? xoxoRASJ

Tell me something you remember about your mother.

tweet me @rasjacobson

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Posted in Family, Love, Memoir, Relationships

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