Dirty Movies For Tweens

Dude, Where's My Car?

Image via Wikipedia

It’s summer. We’ve had a lot of 11 to 12-year-old boys hanging around the house. When it’s raining, they become basement dwellers playing ping-pong or Legos and K’Nex or Wii. I hear their mutterings.

Not long ago, one of Monkey’s friends was over. Let’s call him Steve-o. (Note, Monkey’s friend’s name is not Steve-o, but he was trying really hard to be cool, and I find that when you add an “o” to anyone’s name, it sometimes achieves that affect. Not always, but sometimes. Try it.)

So Steve-o’s talking about movies he’d recently seen. He announces that he’d just seen Dude, Where’s My Car?

Monkey had never heard of it.

Dude, Where’s My Car? is about two dudes who get totally wasted and forget where they parked their car.

That’s pretty much it. That’s the basic premise.

How do I know this? Because hubby and I once rented it.

(Let the judgment begin. I can take it.)

I feel compelled to tell you a little more about this flick, so if you had big plans to rent it, this is your chance to skip the rest of this post and just answer the question in blue at the bottom.

Monkey’s friend forgot to mention that during the course of the movie, things get a little sci-fi. Not my favorite genre. So, it’s kind of hard for me to recall all the details of the movie because I got up a few times to wash dishes and organize the condiments in the refrigerator, but the stoners meet these gorgeous, large-breasted, female aliens. And honestly, I have no problem with that. Especially when they are wearing really tight, black jumpsuits. Because seriously, that’s hot and what else would gorgeous aliens wear?

That said, I’d imagine this part of the film is probably a lot steamier if one has experienced puberty.

Anyway, the stoners also run into these weirdos who have some kind of Continuum Transfiguration machine cleverly disguised as a Rubik’s cube that accidentally gets activated and, of course, can potentially destroy the universe.

Ninety-six percent of women reading this are rolling their eyes.

This is when I started folding laundry.

Hubby was digging the flick.

At the end the movie, the stoners (of course) save the universe, and they even find their car. Oh, and the aliens erase everyone’s memories (of course) but leave gifts for the stoners’  girlfriends which are actually for our young slackers’ enjoyment: breast enhancement necklaces.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

As we ate our respective salads, I asked Monkey’s pal, “So Steve-o, do you think that movie is appropriate for people your age?”

Steve-o hesitated. “I’m not really sure. I mean my parents didn’t know my little brother and I were watching it. We just downloaded it from Netflix to the Wii.”

I didn’t even know that was possible.

(Note to self: Figure out how to not make that happen.)

Steve-o continued, “It did have a transsexual stripper in it so maybe it’s not for really little kids. But it sure was funny.” He smiled to himself. Then he looked up at me in all earnestness and said, “At least it was funny until my dad caught us. I’ll probably never know how that movie ends.”

Realizing he’d never know the planet was saved, I felt kinda bad for Steve-o.

I wondered should I tell him about the Breast Enhancement Necklaces.

Instead, I stuck a big forkful of salad in my mouth. You know, to silence myself.

What is the most inappropriate movie you have ever caught your children watching? Or you watched (or tried to watch) as a kid?

67 responses to “Dirty Movies For Tweens

  1. I think I will print this out and hang it on the wall for when my sons become tweens. I admire your restraint re: the movie’s ending. Condiment arranging – now why didn’t I think of that?

    Funny stuff, this.

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  2. I’ve never actually seen that movie, but am currently trying to figure out how to get it to download on our Wii, although since we don’t have Netflix it will probably prove challenging.

    That sounds incredible! Breast enhancement necklaces? Really?

    Did the guys get Extenz belts?

    This makes me hope that our kids don’t get any older.

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  3. If you watched the fairy tame Irma La
    Duece you were Mr. Sexual Awareness and Experience. We envied those fellows who somehow got to see it as the rest of would not be getting any until we were very old men in our early 20’s.

    Like

  4. There are most certainly a lot of crappy, inappropriate movies out there, but most of them are tame in comparison to the trash that’s on TV on a daily basis. I don’t really remember any movies that were banned growing up, as I never really had an interest in anything like that, but there were certain TV shows. Knowing I wasn’t supposed to be watching them made me want to watch them even more.

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    • Hello Abby, I remember watching Endless Love with my friend — and there’s a very tender scene where Brooke Shields’ character makes love to her boyfriend by the fireplace. They show her having an orgasm. Or a simulated one anyway. My mom was sitting right next to me at the movies with us. It was very embarrassing.

      We never spoke of it.

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  5. I can’t judge because I watched it twice. But the second time it was actually funny because we were tipsy.

    And Tweens scare me. I want my kids to skip that age.

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  6. A bit of nostalgia gripped me in early summer and I bought the American Graffiti video, you know with Ron Howard, Richard Dreyfus, and Harrison Ford, from 1972, when I was a tween. I didn’t see it until I was in my teens and again a few summers ago. I liked the ending and how the story was about a summer night, the night before one of the characters, Richard Dreyfus, goes away to college and thought it would be a great (summer) movie to show the kids, but I forgot all of the ‘stuff’ in between (pun intended) and the mature theme. We watched it and I cringed in parts, but they lost interest and didn’t pay too close attention. There are so many inappropriate movies for tweens and even more on TV. I miss the days of less than 10 channels and growing up trying to figure it out, with the help of my savvy and hip friends, YIKES! We did it and look where we are?

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  7. My mother was extremely overprotective. In my house, the magic age for watching a PG rated movie was 16. 16!! This left me feeling VERY out of the loop with my friends who had less restrictive moms. My small town had one very out-of-date movie theatre that never played anything new. My first PG movie was Jaws, 5 or 6 years after its original release! I saw it while on my very first date and was so scared I thought I’d pee myself! My first R movie was Stripes while out with friends –I was 17 and felt guilty for viewing it, although I don’t remember it being that dirty–That was 30 years ago!.

    I was much less restrictive with my own kids. I always watched everythiing before they did, and as long as there was no sex or extreme violence, I Iet them watch it.

    Cute post!🙂

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    • Hi Sprinkles: I loved Jaws! It was sooo scary! But in a good way!

      I didn’t see Stripes or Animal House until many years later. I sometimes think they would be good movies for Monkey to see… but then I shove another forkful of salad in my mouth!😉

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  8. blackwatertown

    Thunderbolt and Lightfoot – the first film I ever saw in a cinema. A little cinema in the small seaside town of Ballycastle on the north east corner of Ireland. It was an afternoon, there may have only been two of us in the cinema. It was very quiet anyway. Somebody who should have read the film times more carefully took me. My Dad. We were supposed to be going to see the Jungle Book. So that should be my answer to the question: What was the first thing you ever saw at the cinema?

    We took our seats unawares and the wrong film began showing. But always eager to extract maximum value for expenditure, my Dad decided we may as well watch whatever it was while waiting for the main – cartoon – feature. Well, I suppose we were already there and had to wait somewhere.

    I’m a bit vague on the plot details – a robbery? two men on the run? Clint Eastwood and Jeff? Daniels I think. A lot of driving, a long bridge, the one who wasn’t Clint is wounded. Oh, and some blonde woman wandering around in the nip. That stuck in my pre-Jungle Book memory.

    Can’t remember my Mum’s reaction when we got back. The timing error may not have come up in the conversation.

    Oh, and the Jungle Book was alright too.

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    • Hi Paul!

      Hilarious that your dad switched flicks on your mum! Thunderbolt and Lightfoot in lieu of The Jungle Book! I’m guessing you’ve blocked out your mum’s reaction, eh?

      Hubby took Monkey to see the Star Wars movie where Anakin Skywalker turns into Darth Vadar in that gruesome scene where Anakin is basically becomes a charred torso. They were supposed to see something else. Monkey was pretty freaked out by that scene. He had a nightmare that night, and I made hubby deal with it.

      Frankly, I don’t know which I’d rather have him see: a movie with a too casual attitude toward sex or a too casual attitude towards violence. Right now, I almost feel blessed that he prefers to make his own movies and create his own video games. All that coding takes forever to make anyone do anything!

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  9. My mother was much like sprinkles, overprotective. Although she did let a few things slide, it was quite a long time before I saw an entire PG-13 movie. I think I was 15 or so when I was finally allowed to watch PG-13 movies. R rated movies? Forgetaboutit. Didn’t happen. I remember when I was 12 or 13 my grandmother got my brother and I E.T. and Robocop. E.T. was promptly destroyed after she went home, and Robocop was never watched because it was rated R. I think I started to watch it, but had to stop it so many times I just forgot about it. I do remember seeing Terminator 2 at my neighbor’s house and having horrible nightmares for days afterwards.

    I’m much easier going on my kids. They’ve seen plenty of PG-13 movies at 9 and 12ish. There are a bunch that I won’t let them see, and all are previewed prior to them watching, but with all the crap on TV these days, a PG-13 movie (such as Back to the Future) is tame.

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    • Hi Eric:

      Terminator 2 was freakin’ scary. That cop on the phone as the camera jogs right and his silvery arm… I won’t say anything else.

      Monkey has seen a bunch of PG-13 movies from back in the day, but the new ones seem to be rougher. I mean Dude, Where’s My Car? is rated PG-13, but it seems somehow racier to me than the stuff I watched when I was 11. But it’s probably not.😉

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  10. This is a battle lost years ago when the word “Google” first appeared and all a child had to learn was how to push the P-O-R-N keys on the Dell

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  11. When I was a kid we had to watch bad movies through impossibly wavy lines on the cable scrambler. These kids today have it so easy. I know I watched Dude, Where’s My Car? once but didn’t even remember anything about aliens, so I must’ve really zoned out. I definitely wasn’t folding laundry yet in those days.

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  12. This cracks me up. I saw The Omen when I was 8 (yup, I was the youngest child and I was “in the care of” my siblings (aged 14 and 16) at their friend’s house after public skating. Pretty sure I’m still scarred from this. But I never told my parents. I knew the honour code.

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    • Leanne!

      I saw The Omen when I was babysitting in 8th grade. TRAUMATIZING! I can still see all the animals attacking the car as Damian and his mum went through the zoo. And of course, I can still see his nanny. You know. Hanging.

      Now that I think about it, I saw most movies I probably wasn’t supposed to see while babysitting.😉

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  13. —- funny you would mention “Dude Where’s My Car,” Renee.
    Hubby and my son were watching it last week…
    they called into the kitchen…. “Mom, you aren’t gonna like this!”
    But hubby (yes) Hubby was diggin it.
    Not my cuppa tea.
    xxx Kiss for you.

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  14. I was incredibly naive as a kid and could have watched anything and not known what it was! So maybe some stuff passes some kids by? (I mean, it can’t just have been me…)

    I’ve seen some weird movies since… that sound a lot like Dude, where’s my car…. I think they must all be birthed in that same strange dimension from which come dimension-altering rubik cubes…

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  15. Hi Renee,

    I haven’t watched that movie. Somehow, the cover and title didn’t scream, Classic! when I saw it on Netflix.

    Did the twelve year old, Steve-0, actually phrase it that way: “…transsexual stripper?” Twelve year old’s usually have a more ‘colorful’ way of describing things.

    We have a problem at home. My wife likes to watch reality TV. Oh, the horror! This means that if our children are in the room, they are being exposed to something inappropriate. I despise those shows. I pull them away when I can, but that’s not always possible. Not paying the cable bill has crossed my mind.

    Ray

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    • Hi Ray:

      I am quoting Steve-o exactly. In fact, Steve-o actually saw me get up and write down words in my composition notebook causing him to exclaim, “Oh no, are you going to use that for your blog?”

      And then he begged me not to tell his mother.

      Apparently only his dad knew about the movie thing.😉

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  16. ROFLMAO.

    You think that’s bad. You are too young to remember Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke. I’m old enough to remember it, and remember watching it through a haze of what wasn’t cigaret smoke.

    A few years ago a friend of mine was talking with his wife and teen age daughter about movies. Let’s call him Fred. Somehow the topic got pushed to movies Mom and Dad had seen when they were in their teens that their Mom and Dad wouldn’t have liked. Kids. What can you do. Fred offered to get a copy of Up in Smoke. His wife wasn’t quite sure it was a good idea, but went along.

    So they’ve got the DVD, and are watching it. Fred and his wife are just about rolling on the floor laughing. Both of them used to be stoners. Heck, they both saw it together, before they got married, stoned. Really stoned.

    Daughter bounces up off the couch. “How can you watch this crap,” she screams. “It’s f***ing stupid!” and flounces out of the room.

    Fred and his wife stop laughing and look at each other. Then they bust out laughing again.

    As Fred put it when he told me about it at work the next day, “Every stoner thinks that Up in Smoke is hilarious. And our daughter didn’t get it. At that moment we knew that she wasn’t smoking dope. Boy were we two happy parents!”

    True story. Absolutely true story. I just about killed myself laughing when he told me this.

    As to our kids, well, they got to watch (and read) pretty well whatever they wanted. It’s darned nearly impossible to monitor what kids are getting into when you have 20,000 books in your house. Not that any of them are porn, but we have a lot of non-fiction, some of which would curl your hair. For example I have copies of a lot of classical stuff in both the original language and English from Project Gutenberg, and some of the stuff written by Gaius Julius Caesar himself is pretty nasty, and I was reading up on Forensics before CSI began airing. And if you read Lord of the Rings carefully, well, it’s not exactly polite reading either…

    Wayne

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    • Wayne:

      I am so not too young to remember Cheech and Chong, but thank you for playing! I would prefer to go on with the illusion that I am too young to remember those movies. I saw many of them. They are, of course, hilarious. Especially after one has… well, you know.

      I love that Fred’s daughter was offended by C&C. Lord love her.

      As you said, Monkey is a voracious reader and some of the stuff he’s getting into now is not exactly delicate. But I’d rather have him read it. Studies show more synapses are firing if they are reading. But you probably already knew that.😉

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  17. My parents were really protective of what I saw and I’m thankful for that. However, I was devastated to be stuck at a 6th grade slumber party watching Porky’s. (Plus other shows like it). It was AWFUL. I never want that to accidently happen to my children and yet as they get older I realize I have less control and they have to make wise choices for themselves.

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    • Oh Annie:

      I remember Porky’s! That whole locker room scene where the boy sticks his. In the. And the coach grabs it. Oh yeah! That would be hard to watch if you had never seen anything like it before. But what parents let 6th graders watch that? Or maybe they didn’t know what you crazy girls were doing downstairs in the basement. That was usually the case for my friends and me. Our parents thought we were sooo good, we were off the radar completely.

      Luckily for me, I had seen The Omen (while babysitting) and read Wifey (while babysitting) and I think I had found my mother’s copy of The Happy Hooker around then, too. (Sorry mom. I had it all those years.) — so I was pretty prepared for Porky’s when it came out.

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  18. When HBO was new, we always tried to catch The Hitchhiker series – but that was when HBO had the parental lock thingie, and we were thwarted. In later years, and we were just laughing about this, my younger brothers who were six or seven at the time, caught the edited-for-t.v. version of PORKY’S on the USA channel when up at the grandparents house. We could hear them laughing like a couple of hens in the back room, but didn’t know what on earth was so funny. Then my dad walked back there and found out what was so funny, and turned off the t.v. PORKY’S, incidentally, was the first R-rated movie I ever saw. I was entering the 9th grade, and my sister and I had seen the ad on t.v. for it and persuaded our parents to take us to go see it because it looked like “something that was from the 1960s, when YOU were in school!” and were vastly relieved that they didn’t check the rating in the newspaper before we went. Then, when we got in the theatre, we conveniently “lost” our parents and my sister and I sat on one side of the theatre while my parents sat on the other side of the crowded theatre.

    I think that most kids, at a certain age, explore the not-quite-parentally-approved movies. That’s ok to an extent – as long as the content isn’t “too” mature.

    For instance, I would NOT recommend “Blue Velvet” – my mom wanted to see this because she thought it would be a Happy Days Bobby Vinton kind of thing. NOT!!!!

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    • Hi Kathy:

      Porky’s was definitely up there with one of the naughtier movies I saw. I know I saw it with a bunch of friends, and I think I was in 10th grade. I thought it was hilarious.

      I totally remember The Hitchhiker Series on HBO. That was saucy. Again, mostly watched while babysitting.

      I still can’t watch Blue Velvet. So disturbing.

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  19. My mother didn’t want me to see the original Star Wars when it first came out because my brother said someone gets an arm cut off in the bar scene. I was such a pain in the ass that she finally let me go and when the dreaded bar scene came along, I was so underwhelmed by the disembodied arm that I actually laughed out loud. It totally looked like ketchup blood, and hardly any of it at that! I felt so grown up😉

    Other than that, I don’t remember seeing anything that seemed ‘too adult’, but there wasn’t much on television anyway and we didn’t go to the movies very often at all. I DO remember passing around Judy Blume’s Forever in about 5th grade with all the naughty parts bookmarked.

    My mother always sent me to the kitchen to make tea whenever there was even some kissing on the show/movie we were watching. I really think she would still do that to this day if she didn’t know that I’d tease her mercilessly about it😉

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  20. I wish you were the parent of my grandchildren!

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  21. So far, the kids haven’t been caught with anything they shouldn’t have been watching.

    I do remember, however, sitting between my parents at the movie theater during Meg Ryan’s feigned orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally.

    Awk.Ward.

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  22. I don’t remember seeing anything that did too much damage when I was a kid. I do think parents should do a little research before they let their kids see certain things. I am not a parent, so I won’t judge what is appropriate, but I think parents should least so they know enough to make an informed decision.

    I was in NYC a few years ago in the the woman working at the TKTS line said tons of parents were coming with little kids to see the “Harry Potter” play. Danielle Radcliffe, who played Harry Potter in the films, was staring in Equuis. Equuis, for those who have not seen it, is NOT a “Harry Potter film.” It is about a troubled teen who pokes out the eyes of horses – and from what I remember had full frontal nudity. I couldn’t believe that so many (acording to the TKTS woman) parents would take their kids to this, just because it has the same actor as Harry Potter, and not even ask what the show was about.

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    • I know you are not a parent, but I think I can tell you this secret. *shhhhhhh* Some parents are vewwwy, vwwwy stooooopid. Seriously, no degree in parenting. You make it up as you go along. It’s waaaay harder than using an iPhone — which also comes without any user information.

      But at least there is a Genius Bar you can visit.😉

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      • I know parents can’t always control kids – they will do things they’re not supposed to, and see things they shouldn’t. Most of the time they end up fine. There is only so much you can do to “shelter” your kids. I just thought the minimum requirement was for parents to try to get as much knowledge as possible.

        The kids going to see Equuis –with their parents- weren’t sneaking off to try to see it. They just wanted to see the actor that played in their favorite movie. It’s up to the parents to check out the play content before actually taking their kids to see the play. If they know what it’s about, and still feel it’s OK to bring their kids – that’s their call as parents.

        I don’t have an iPhone. No cell reception at all in my house, so no fancy phone. I don’t even text. The tweens totally have me beat in technology.

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      • I’m not kidding when I tell you that Monkey is my tech guy. When he goes to camp in summer, my blog may go dark.

        And as for Steve-o, um, I may have to give him a call. He’s pretty dang savvy. And he’s 12.

        They know so much more than I do.

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  23. Oh, this is where I totally screwed up my kids. We watched inappropriate movies with them consistently. Alien, Aliens, and more aliens as Sci-Fi is how we roll together. Ratings didn’t matter in this genre.

    Although, there were a number of movies that we previewed prior to the kids seeing them. Our plan was that if they watched them with us we’d get to discuss them and they wouldn’t see them for the first time with their far more evilly raised “friends”. Luckily Beer Fest and Super Troopers came out when they were in their late teens. Actually, I think one of our kids brought Super Troopers to us.

    There were some super inappropriate VHS and DVDs smuggled in. My eyes turned to flames and melted the offending media. When the owners sought return of this media? They were melted by my words.

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  24. Gee Mrs. Peabody (Renee), thanks for letting me borrow the WABAC Machine. I went back and here’s what I found; four channels on the tube, no input connections on the back of it, no auxilary video playback devices and the riskiest thing at the Vogue Theatre was the sugary snack selection in the lobby.

    Conclusion: For me, as a kid, there wasn’t anything to get caught watching.

    I suspect my son watched something along the way but I don’t know it for a fact and he’s not telling. But that’s okay. I’d just like him to clear up the vague explanation I got after that 1 a.m. call to bring him home from a friend’s house with a bum leg that required major arthroscopic knee surgery.

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  25. Oh what a funny story! I was never allowed to watch…well, anything. We didn’t have a tv when I was a kid!

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  26. Great story! I can’t remember specifics (my son is 25 and my memory only holds so much information before it needs to be defragmented), but I do remember him hiding his eyes when a couple would kiss. I guess he was a sensitve young lad. We stuck to watching Jeopardy–no kissing involved.

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  27. I had seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show about 3 dozen times before I turned 10. My mom’s best friends kid was obsessed with it. My parents didn’t limit much as far as TV and movies go.

    My ex took my son to see the Matrix when he was 5. I wanted to kill him. He played 007 and Mortal Combat before he started school…he’s a holy terror now…there may be a connection there!

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    • Hi Kimberly: My son just saw The Matrix. He’s 11. He loves it. I think he changed his worldview. Now I think the terror is about to begin.😉 Hopefully not.

      Rocky Horror — 36 times before age 10. Dang, girl! I was a “virgin” until high school. Still love it though. That’s a good one.

      Like

      • My parents were really strict about most movies but they showed Rocky horror to my brother and I when I was 14 and he was 12, I remember being horrified! We had grown up with the songs being played so we knew all the words but had no real clue about what they meant. As I watched it I finally realized that a transvestite was not in fact someone from Transylvania like I had thought from the song. Yes I was a very very innocent 14 year old!

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        • Kellifish: You mean you didn’t know that Frankenfurter was a “sweet transexual from Transylvania”? And when they sang: “t-t-t-t-touch me. I want to be dirty…” did you just think they wanted to play in the mud?😉

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          • I knew the line, just thought it meant something else. Of course touch me I want to be dirty meant a big mud fight, in the middle of the night, with monsters. It sounded awesome! My other favorite was When Eddy said he didn’t like his teddy, where I had images of Eddy hiding the switchblade knife in his teddy and pulling it out when he didn’t want to clean his room. I also thought they were saying Uncle Judy bless my soul, I really love that rock and roll – I was slightly confused by Uncle Judy and why he would want to bless anyone soul but as all the other songs where pretty confusing I didn’t worry too much.

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  28. Wow, I just did a double-take when I realized my son was Steve-o! And since his name already ends with a vowel, I do not think you can add another vowel. I have to say my children know they are not permitted to watch an R rated movie. I knew he was watching that movie, but did not care; it was PG 13.

    My rule is and always has been no movies that give you nightmares. My children have never had a nightmare. I am happy for this. I would like to say I used to preview all their movies, like when they were 6 and 8, but I have slowed down and do not seem to worry as much. My eldest knows big words. He sits on a school bus with 7th and 8th graders and is neighbors with well mannered 14 and 16 year old boys, but yet he still comes home every now and then with a new word he sadly picked up by some jokester on the bus. I do not think you can shield your kids from everything. Well, I can try but I am giving them some space.

    As for putting a fork in your mouth….was that after you stopped cracking up??

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  29. It’s hard to say whether or not I was sheltered from movies when I was a kid. I covered my eyes and said “EWW!!” anytime a couple kissed, so I didn’t even want to see movies like that. Otherwise, I asked my parents what I could watch and left it at that. We rarely went to the movies, and I didn’t even know that the Disney Channel existed until I was in the sixth grade. However, I would often watch my dad’s movies and TV shows, not really because I wanted to watch them, simply because they were on. I have watched Star Trek since I was born, and I’ve never really liked it. I saw the Terminator and Matrix before I was out of grade school. I am thoroughly terrified of submarines because of a documentary we once watched (all of the crew members died of asphyxiation). The War of the Worlds and old John Wayne movies are preventing me from cultivating a desire to see Cowboys and Aliens. My dad also has a great love of war movies (I managed to get out of watching Flags of Our Fathers by taking a very long shower), and this has only recently led us to the horrible movie Hope and Glory. It was less about war and more about dysfunctional families. However, I do not feel as if I have ever been scarred by any of the movies my parents let me watch, and I know that they have standards for what I watch when they are not around. Since I’ve grown up a bit I have seen some movies I rather regret watching, but my parents standards at least kept me from watching Borat with my friends when we were in tenth grade.

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