Today’s guest blogger is Jamie Golden from Jamie’s Rabbits. She is consistently hilarious. I don’t know how she does it, but she does. Jamie is a 30-something single gal from Birmingham, Alabama who claims to major in sleeping. I don’t buy it. Because I am pretty sure she majors in handbags and shoes. You can follow her on Facebook or stalk her on Twitter @jamiesrabbits.
Oh, and for the love of Pete, never, ever say the word *whispering* “ladybug” in her presence. She freaks out. I don’t know if it is the word or the bug; I’m too afraid to ask.
• • •
I have always had this theory: I am smart.
This theory has been supported by sound evidence:
- I scored in the 30’s on my ACT.
- I graduated with honors from an expensive liberal arts college.
- I can spell “liaison” without spellcheck.
Most importantly, there’s the size of my head.
You didn’t know head circumference is a primary indicator of intelligence? I did.
But I am smart.
One time, my friend and I decided to measure our heads to see who had the biggest noggin. Since we only had a yard stick, we wrapped paper towels around our head and then measured the sheets needed to go the distance.
He was only slightly “smarter” since his upstairs was only 2 inches larger. Unfortunately, he’s 11 inches taller than me and HE’S A MAN.
I read actress Megan Fox has a 22″ waist. This means I would be unable to pull her pants over my head. I don’t know when it would be necessary to complete this task, but it wouldn’t matter. It would be physically impossible.
But I am smart.
Despite overwhelming evidence pointing to my extreme intellect, there are a few line items supporting the contrary.
- Until age 29, I didn’t put food on the top shelf of my fridge because I was concerned it would get too warm due to the light.
- I was talking on my cell phone last week and the caller asked me to email her a picture I had taken with my phone. I looked for the gadget for 8 minutes and finally told her I couldn’t find my phone.
- While whitewater rafting, I left aspirin in the mesh pocket of my shorts and then was shocked to find them gone after swimming at lunch.
- Recently, I was cooking and heard my cell phone ring. I didn’t know where it was, (I never know where it is) so I leaned into the air to listen and try to determine where the ringtone was originating. When I leaned forward, I knew it was in the opposite direction. When I leaned forward again, I knew it was really back in the other direction. I did this three times, before realizing the phone was in my back pocket.
Just because you think you’re smart, doesn’t make it so.
Have you ever thought something was true about yourself only to discover you’re a liar?