How My Son Discovered The Opposite Sex

Around six weeks before school ended, Tech got glasses.

About two days later, he discovered girls.

I know this because at six weeks before the end of the academic year, I had printed out all the addresses and stuffed all the envelopes to be sent to everyone who was invited to attend his bar mitzvah.

“This is it,” I said, pointing to a 3-page list. “See that box over there?” I tilted my head towards a grey cube filled with envelopes. “Those are the people who are invited to your bar mitzvah. I’m taking them to the post office tomorrow, so you might want to take one more look. It’s your last chance to make any changes.”

I was thinking omissions. Cuts.

As in: That-kid-is-a-jerk-take-him-off-the-list.

Tech eyeballed the list and looked at me in horror.

“Where are all the girls?”

Had I handed him the wrong list? I peeked over his shoulder. No, it was definitely the same list we had reviewed two weeks before. The same list he had given his ultimate super-duper stamp of approval.

Tech’s voice went up two octaves. “None of my girl friends are on the list!”

Then he barfed out ten girls’ names I’d never heard before.

Ever.

“They have to be invited!” Tech waved his hands wildly. “Why aren’t they on the list?”

I wanted to tell him that he had never mentioned these girls, that the only girls he’d ever named in his life were the people connected to the families on the list.

But I didn’t.

We simply went through the school directory and gathered the extra names, addressed the additional envelopes, and affixed a few more stamps.

After we delivered the invitations to the post office, Tech and I sat in the car. His guard is often down in the car. I figured I’d give it a try. “That was a good snag on your part,” I smothered my son in compliments. “It’s weird that so many people weren’t on that last list. How do you think that happened?”

Tech had his nose in a book, so he spoke absently.

“I’m not sure.” He turned a page. “When I got glasses, a lot of blurry people suddenly came into focus. I guess I thought they were already on the list.”

He says he thought they were already on the list.

I say he had a testosterone surge with a side order of corrective eyewear.

Whatever.

In the end, nearly all of his friends – young men and young women alike — attended his bar mitzvah.

And he was beyond happy to celebrate with them.

How old were you when you noticed the opposite sex? And what do you remember about that time in your life?

37 responses to “How My Son Discovered The Opposite Sex

  1. So funny! I love the “side order of corrective eyewear.” Excellent.

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  2. Does this mean I should be praying that my little guy inherit my horrible vision? He’s not even three and he already notices the ladies. (His favorite friend is a 6 year old blonde – at least she is just as sweet as she is adorable.)

    I was a late bloomer. I mean, I noticed guys, but I’m pretty sure my only crush in middle school was on my business ed teacher, and high school I probably didn’t really start paying much attention until my Junior year. Even then, I was still a bit oblivious.

    What do I remember? Oh my. A lot. Too much for a blog comment.🙂

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    • I crushed on boys young. I loved a boy named Jeff who sometimes comments here. We almost went to a prom together. Almost. But there were always boys. Boys boys boys. Because what’s not to love? And frankly, they seemed easier than girls. No games.

      Until one crushed my heart.

      Oh, I am not ready to see my son have his heart crushed. *weep*

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  3. Aak! Love this, and so not ready for it!

    {Well handled, mama!}

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  4. Amazing what a pair of glasses and a surge of testosterone will do!

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  5. Ha! It’s like a new superpower for him. He slips on the glasses and suddenly he’s a hormonal (super) hero or something.

    For me, I think when I got glasses I realized that most guys were lame. I still wear glasses when I read. I’m still single.

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    • Abby! That is it exactly. It is totally like a new super-power. (Correct me if I’m wrong, but when we were young, didn’t the dorks have glasses?) His are really cute though and he looks good in them. Plus he can see now, so that’s another bonus. But seriously, girls are like a new hobby for him. So much fun to watch.

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  6. Isn’t it amazing what hormones can do? Alas! Love blooms for teenagers. Nature at work. Amen.

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  7. As a girl I think I liked boys always.

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  8. Cool story.

    My now 17 year old son was a Junior Misogynist First Class until he was about 13. He wouldn’t even talk to girls who tried to talk to him. He considered them somewhat less than human.

    I think it was in the fourth grade when he was signing the Valentine’s Day cards he was to give to kids in school the next day. Of course, there were no cards for any of the girls in the class.

    “I’ll give Valentine’s Day cards to the boys,” he said defiantly, “but not to any of the girls!”

    It occurred to me that somehow he had gotten things a little back ass-wards.

    Nowadays, of course, all of that has changed.

    If only I had a small percentage of his action!

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  9. Ha! Oh you’re so good. You almost had him. And you had a photo booth – with props! We didn’t have props for ours at our wedding, dangnabbit. Next time. (Second Hub.)

    Another great question! I had my first crush when I was 5. And my first boyfriend when I was 21. It was a long f***ing 16 years.

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    • Hahahaha! We did have Photobooth. And all the pictures on on my FB page. You can see everyone. Can you believe I only went in 3 times? And I never got in with friends? Duh! I wish I could do THAT over. The pictures are so awesome.

      I know that 16 years was a long time to wait, but the Peppermeister was worth it, was he not?😉 Oh, and props are totally necessary for Photobooth. Definitely something to keep in mind for Second Hub. Or for when you renew those vows. Cuz I know you ain’t going nowhere, baby.

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  10. Lisa H. in 7th grade – it was so awkward, then Diane G. in 8th grade and a date to the movies, Friday night at the Palms Theater with every junior high kid in town, didn’t matter what the movie – All the President’s Men or Eat My Dust, yes I’m dating myself… an awkward time…. my son is now going through it – texts, phone calls, and evasion, huh, whah! Some things just never change.

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    • I am trying to think of my first “going out” date. Not just the making out in someone’s basement kind of thing that was so prevalent in the 1980s. Um… I guess Jimmy took me to Ground Round or something. All other actual dates involved formal dances. Until my friend got a car. Then we could go anywhere. With anyone.

      Oh, in middle school, I did go to the mall a lot with one particular boy. But we walked and we never held hands. Also he was gay. Does that count as a date?😉

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  11. This is so funny. My daughter just got glasses this summer (she’s 14). She’s been looking at things and saying “whoa” a lot. I guess the world looks a lot crisper! As for boys…well…she has three little brothers, so she still rolls her eyes at the boys a lot. 😉

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  12. My first crush was in Kindergarten, his name was Justin. I can’t remember what he looked like now, just that I used to obsess over him, to the point when our family had gatherings I made all my cousins play a game I actually called “Justin”. Essentially forcing one of my male cousins to pretend to be him and we’d play house. Man, that’s disturbing isn’t it?

    My 15 year old son has been “in love” about 8 dozen times in the last couple years. His facebook page shows him “married” to the current girlfriend. Ugh.

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    • Kimmers! I think I crushed on boys in the womb. Seriously, I came out interested. My kindergarten crush was Jonny. He was blond and we played GI Joe and Barbie together. He told me I had hairy legs when we were in 4th grade, and I wanted to DIE.

      I love that you had a game called “JUSTIN.” Do you remember the rules? Because that would make a hilarious post. I shared a garage fort with two friends in 5th grade and we all crushed on the same boy. The rules of the club were we had to say one thing he did that was cute each time we got together. We wrote it on the wall in marker. Years later, our math teacher moved into that house and then he had all of us as students. So embarrassing.

      If my son EVER does that stuff with his FB status, I will shut him down. You know, if I knew how to do that.😉

      Like

  13. I love the “visual” description of Tech reading a book and telling you that a lot of people came into focus when he got his glasses! Priceless!

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  14. Eh I think I started noticing boys in like 1st grade, had my first “boyfriend” by 3rd grade. Thank God I’ve calmed down. My 18 and 15 year olds had the normal slow foray into being interested in the opposite sex around 12. My youngest is so funny, she’s 13 and going into 8th grade at Mercy, she rolls her eyes when I talk about boys, but I hear her and her little friends talking to McQuaid boys on Facebook or Skype, and I laugh. And then I laugh when I see her just gush about the cute boy band “One Direction”. I’m actually glad it’s going nice and slow. My kids all have plenty of reason to have Daddy issues, so far so good. lol

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  15. blackwatertown

    Very funny.
    At our place, it’s not so much him noticing them, as them noticing him. Though he hasn’t quite decided if that’s a good thing or not.

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    • Yeah, there is a little of that going on here, too. But I don’t think I’m allowed to write about that. Up until 6 weeks ago, my son was clueless. Girls were invisible. Actually, he said they were “squeaky voices.”

      Glasses went on and POOF! Lots of noticing and I’m guessing he is rethinking the whole voice thing, too.

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  16. “blurry people suddenly came in to focus.”. Sweetest line ever!

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  18. What a fantastic post, Renee! Your boy is growing up, and seeing better while doing it.

    I remember when I first got contact lenses…. It was the summer between 8th and 9th grade and my social life definitely went on the upswing when I could see the people I was talking to!

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  19. A very funny question indeed. Well, I was about 11, just entered 6th grade at a new school on Long Island. I wish I could give you her name as I still remember it, but she was the first woman I noticed. I pined, chased and would have dipped her pig tails in the ink well, if we hadn’t started writing with BICs. She rejected me at every turn and naturally that set my life on a course of insecurity based on that first rejection by her.

    Fast forward 40 years and I run into her on Facebook. I find out she was a Lesbian all along. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    I guess it wasn’t me after all.

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    • Omigosh! That’s hilarious. My first kiss was with another girl. She married a man, then divorced, then married a woman, and is now interested in men again. So who knows what’s what and who’s who? Maybe you still have a shot?😉

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