I’ve never been very fashionable. This statement was never more apt than during my teenaged years.
Back in the early nineties, there was a trend in fashion of girls wearing these leotard like shirts that had snaps at the crotch, like a baby’s onesie. I have no idea why these things were popular for grown people, but I owned a couple of them. Some of them actually looked like shirts, until you got to those hanging flaps with the snaps at the bottom, but if you were wearing one with pants, sometimes it wasn’t obvious that it wasn’t a regular shirt. I had one or two of those kind. However, I also had a few of the other type . . . the stretchy ones that looked like a leotard. And when you pulled those little flaps down to snap them below, it became even more . . . taut.
One night, when I was about 17, I was getting dressed to go out with a friend to a high school wrestling match, where I would also be hanging out with a guy I was “dating.” (Those quotation marks are an entirely separate embarrassing story, thanks). I had just bought one of those stretchy leotard type shirts, but had yet to wear it. I figured this would be a good time to break it in. It was a long sleeve, deep forest green shirt, made of a pretty thin material. However, when I tried it on, I realized that it just didn’t really look right. In an attempt to get a second opinion, I called upon my mom for her advice . . .
Me: “Does this shirt look weird? I mean, you can totally see the outline of my bra and the straps right through it.”
Mom: “Yeah, it does look a bit odd. What if you just don’t wear a bra?”
So, I took off the bra and we both viewed what it looked like without it. Please note, that at the time I had 17-year-old boobs. They pretty much stayed right where they were supposed to, as this was years prior to me birthing two wee tots that would proceed to use them as their own personal udders. They were perky at that point, is what I’m saying.
Mom: “I think that looks better. This way you can’t see the straps!”
Me: “Ok, if you say so . . .”
And yes, I actually left the house, with my mom’s blessing, nay at her beseeching, in a thin (practically sheer) top, sans protective boob covering.
Did I mention it was winter? So, it was cold outside. Not in my bedroom as I was getting dressed, but definitely outside. Pretty sure you can figure out what that means.
When I picked up my friend and “boyfriend,” I was wearing a coat, but when we arrived at the gym, I removed the coat. Did I mention it was chilly in the gym as well? Yeah. So that was when the problem became evident. Well, to everyone but me, I suppose.
Instead of realizing the wrongness of the situation, I instead just went about my business, all oblivious-like. You see, I was a teenaged girl. And I was sitting on bleachers, watching a boring sporting event with another teenaged girl. So, to pass the time, we engaged in a favorite activity of all teenaged girls everywhere over the history of all teenagedom . . . cattiness.
That’s right, we sat there being snarky about what the other people in the gym were wearing, and basically made fun of things that we thought weren’t “cool.”
After listening to us engage in this activity for a while, my “boyfriend” looked over at me and said this:
“How can you make fun of how other people look, when you are sitting there with your boobs hanging out for the world to see?”
Wait . . . what?
Well then. Wasn’t that just a punch in the gut. Really, it was like a smack upside my foolish head. So, instead of crawling under the bleachers to hide, I just went ahead and put my coat back on, and wore it for the remainder of the wrestling match. Talk about a reality check.
After the match, I went to drop off my friend at her boyfriend’s house nearby. He lived with a few other guys, and we all went inside to say hello and socialize for a bit. However, I didn’t take off my coat. When one of the guys asked why I was sitting there all bundled up in my coat, my friend oh so helpfully told them why. To which, their incredibly understanding and empathetic response was:
“Show us your tits, Misty!!”
I chose to decline their kind entreaty, and instead I slunk out of there, completely and utterly mortified. And I have never not worn a bra out of the house again. Some lessons I guess you have to learn through experience.
Thanks a lot, mom.
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