How Facebook Reconnected Me To My Ex-BoyFriend’s Wonky Groove

Gratitude to Loretta Stephenson @WANA Commons for the use of this image

Not long ago, I received a private message on Facebook from a stranger who turned out to be one of my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends.

This woman expressed concern that her ex – a man I used to live with – might be unstable, perhaps dangerous, and she hoped I could provide her with some background to help her understand what had happened in my now twenty years dead relationship.

I remembered the good things first.

How he brought me flowers and played with my curls. How we’d hiked and biked, ridden horses and picked wildflowers. How he gave me heart-shaped rocks.

How he made me feel.

After someone else had left me broken.

We played house in a rat-infested shack.

We went to university, learned our professions well.

But one day, he accused me of eating all his peaches.

And the next day, he stopped listening to my poetry.

He went out late and came home later, smelling of beer.

I learned he slept with another woman.

When I decided to leave, he came home as I was gathering up my last box of things and shoved me against a wall.

With his hands pressed against my shoulders, he shouted too close to my face. “You promised you’d never leave!”

Then he slid to the floor.

I kept moving.

Because I knew it was a trap.

He’d always used my words against me, twisted things around to make me feel like I was in the wrong. I was tired of being the bad one.

He followed me outside to my car. It was summer, and he stood on the hot driveway wearing shorts and wool socks as he leaned against my open window.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me.” His long eyelashes were wet. “You’re just like everyone else.”

I remembered I’d left my purple and green tapestry inside, but I decided he could have it.

Because I wasn’t going back.

Alone in my new apartment, I mourned the death of our love. I remembered how he begged me to stop taking my birth control pills. We’ll make beautiful babies together, he had whispered in my ear as we laid together on our futon in the dark.

Somehow I knew his words were wishes, not promises. They were just words without rings or commitment attached.

Somehow I knew to get out.

In the Facebook message from the ex-girlfriend, I learned there is a collection of women who have been wined and dined, then made to feel small, cheated on, and dumped by this same man.

If this is true, it means that for decades, he has brought one woman after another into his home. That he has fathered children, but abandoned their mothers.

I was sad.

Because I’d always said if he couldn’t find happiness with me, I’d hoped he could find it with someone else.

And I was sincere when I said that.

But it sounds like he is still tortured by the devils that were chasing him when we first met, that he has become the person he said he would never be.

I also learned I have a bit of a reputation.

Apparently, I’m “The Smart One Who Got Away.”

And that is partly true.

I did get away.

But I hate hearing that this man is broken, a scratched up record with the needle stuck in the same rut, and that this wonky groove is still the rhythm of his life.

And I hate hearing that he is smearing women against the sky.

Have you ever received second-hand news about a lost love? What did you learn? What did you say? Feel?

tweet me @rasjacobson

72 responses to “How Facebook Reconnected Me To My Ex-BoyFriend’s Wonky Groove

  1. “I was tired of being the bad one”… This applies to SO many kinds of sick relationships. I’ve had to do some serious friend and even family readjusting because I finally could see it: If someone is unhappy they need someone else to swim in the muck with them. They need cut someone down to be as low as they feel. I’m sad to hear his choices after knowing you didn’t help to clean his life up, bring some positive to the world, but I am so, so happy you were the smart one who got away.

    • Tori, I so get this. There are many times that we are willing to take this kind of treatment because we think so little of ourselves. For me, it was the opposite! I was like: I do not deserve to be treated like this. Meanwhile, I’m devastated to learn that so many others have come after me. And we all have such similar stories. Wow!

  2. You’re a strong person, Renee – that you got out of that relationship says so, but many people aren’t so strong or just can’t see the obvious that’s in front of their eyes.

    I can’t say I’ve received this sort of information from a lost love, myself, but I do know of some ex-boyfriends that are still ‘around’ – though not around me – and I recall how they messed up and just smile that I’m not being messed up by them.

    Does the woman who contacted you know you’ve blogged about her private message? Is she okay with it?

  3. Well you don’t seem to deny eating the peaches. You probably stole Cpt Queeg’s strawberries on the Caine as well. A man has to draw the line sooner or later.

  4. Did he seriously (phyiscally) hurt the woman who called you? It’s good that she didn’t stay in the relationship either. How did she find you — did he tell her the names of all the women he had been with over the past 30 years? I’m sure there were many. I would guess that you weren’t his first, and she won’t be his last. It’s sad. If he physically hurt her, I hope she takes legal action against him, so maybe the trend will end. Unfortunately, I don’t think there are any legal steps you can take for mental abuse. There should be.

    • Never any physical abuse. Just lots of head games, which can be just as devastating. I think all of us are moving forward in our own way here. I thought I was done long ago, but social media reconnects us in the craziest ways. Truly.

  5. Loved the post. Spied a typo in last graph. Says grove instead of groove.😉

    http://www.dianewordsmith.com
    Sent from my iPod

  6. Time gives perspective to we who are near-sighted. The far-sighted see much sooner and get out with lives and self-esteem intact. Glad you were far-sighted, and yes, the flaw is his and he chooses not to do anything about it. Ever.

    • D’Alta: You are so right. Sometimes you have to get far away from something before you can see what you were in. That ship started sinking, but it had been soooo great, I didn’t want to get off. I stayed longer than I should have. Thank goodness I exited stage left when I did.

      I wish he would get counseling and commit to it. I don’t think he will though. And that is the saddest part. Eventually, he will have children who hate him because he keeps replacing the mothers who new & improved models. THAT is tragic. Truly.

  7. How sad that this is the life he has, even sadder the life he has gifted his innocent children with. But I’m glad for your discernment and courage – we can’t FIX people, and it’s not abandonment to recognize that someone is not good for us and walk away from them. It’s smart self-preservation.

    • It took me a long time to realize we can’t fix people. We have to choose if it is worth being with the people in our lives, warts and all. For me, it was easy. I had no children. I just had to move away. Done. But many people are forever tethered to their exes because of the children they share. That, to me, would be misery.

  8. Wow, you seem to have handled this so charitably. To be honest, a contact like this would have freaked me out. I wouldn’t want to get dragged back into his troubles. Hopefully, this new woman, doesn’t use your words or story to as her reason for leaving. I wouldn’t want to see you get hurt again by being contacted by him too. Please be safe, Renee.

    I’m glad that your heart is ok after all of this. I haven’t had this same situation. I guess that’s why it scares me.

    • I have to admit, intitially, I was freaked out. But I could feel something underneath it all. And I remembered the feeling. Wondering why. I wished I had someone to tell me I’d be okay. That I would love again. That I’d made a good choice. So I just supported her.

      I was surprised to learn how many if us there are. And I have continued to be surprised by developments that I have learned. As you said — I am out of his life, but it doesn’t mean I can’t help support another woman. It’s kind of what we do with each other’s writing, right? Offer support? And if he finds out about this post and dared to contact me? I’d tell him straight to his face that I think he needs counseling. It’s one of the things I begged him to consider before we imploded a zillion years ago.

  9. Oh yeah, that sounds familiar….that’s someone who’s very sick (depending on your perspective maybe clinically, maybe just culturally). Sounds like you got out when you should have…it took me at least two years longer than it should have. But once you see the light it sure gets easier to recognize that in the future. I had someone from many years ago contact me and I instantly worked out in my head how I was going to limit contact.

  10. This is a powerful story, and a testament to your inner strength and sense of self that you were able to recognize it for what it was (abuse) and leave. So glad to have found you, via Erin Margolin. I love your stories and the way you tell them. Just when I think I know “everyone” in the bloggosphere, I find wonderful new (to me) bloggers – awesome!

    • Hi Varda! I must confess, I have been skulking around your place. Reading your stuff. I usually do that when I “see someone new” from someone else. Thank you for your kind words. To be fair, my father offered the best advice during this rough time. He said: “You are too young to feel this dead inside. Move out.” And so I did. He and my mother helped me with my rent so I could live alone. Best year of my life!😉

  11. This is so sad. Unfortunately their are many out their just like him.
    Aren’t you afraid of him finding out about this blog post?

  12. I’m glad you were able to see him for what he was. It’s too bad there are so many people that are dysfunctional as far as relationships go.

    My life is full of strange schedules, necessary secrets and the unexpected. While it creates difficulties with most relationships, it also acts as a filter and leaves me with a few special relationships that stand the tests of time.

    Renée, you tell your stories so well. You have a poet’s soul.

  13. Wow – do you know that he fathered children with those women? If so, I feel terrible for them and the women. I hope whether it was that he left them or that they left him, they have all found happiness away from that kind of cloying dependency and mental abuse.

    Am proud of you, sister. Every woman who finds themselves in that place should be so brave. For them, I pray.

    Kiran

  14. I am very lucky. Most of the men I’ve dated are still in my life – some in real life, most by Facebook, and I have fond memories of them. Flings, long-term loves, crushes, dalliances…they’re all there. Most are married, many have children. I am happy for all of them and have become friends with many wives – I am not a threat to them, even if I loved their husband deeply once upon a time.

    That said…there are two that I’ve purposely “lost track of” two men I dated – one for a situation similar to the one you described with such rawness in your post. The other…well, I hurt him enormously, a long time ago. I imagine he’s forgotten me, after all this time, but I….I have never forgotten him, nor forgiven myself. I hope he is happy. I hope he is a father and loved beyond measure.

    • Liz, I would say the same is true for me. There was a dark period in my life marked by two very bad relationships. Very unhealthy stuff. And yet this one felt like heaven compared to the one prior. So I was confused. And to be fair, it was wonderful in the beginning. I have come to realize how dead this person is in his own life, and while I wish him peace, I know now that he continues to hurt other women and that wrecks me. He really needs help, but I don’t think he is willing to do the necessary work it would require. Therapy is hard work, you know? As for you, Ms. Mc. I would have to assume that all your good deeds would earn you some forgiveness in this other person’s heart. And we have all hurt and been hurt, have we not? And holding that up so honestly is part if why I admire you so much. We all have our uglinesses, but you have not repeated that offense. Not knowingly. And you feel shame. The person I’m describing does not feel these emotions. I wonder if he feels anything at all anymore.

  15. Smearing women against the sky? So well put, Renee.

    This is going to sound far more glamourous than it was, but here goes: I was dating a particular known actor in LA for a bit, when he said something horribly rude about up-and-coming actors, not realizing that I (one of them) was in ear-shot. I ended it then, which included canceling the date we’d planned for that night. The next day a tabloid photo of him and another blonde actress half-naked and making out showed up everywhere. They were at his place, where I would’ve been that night. He called and texted a bunch of times later on, and I never responded. The last time was Thanksgiving a few years back, and I remember thinking how sad and lonely he must be to call a woman (perhaps many women) he barely knew, on a holiday.

    • Oh August. Yuck. How very public. But you are so very right! How sad that he was so alone. And I used to feel like that about this person. Except I don’t anymore. Not anymore. He plays with women’s hearts, bats hearts around like a cat bats around a mouse. He knows what he is doing. He is smart, but what he hasn’t realized yet is that is he so very alone. If he slowed done, he might feel it. Or he might self-medicate. Or maybe women are his drug of choice. In any case, as you said, he is a lonely soul. And that is sad to hear 20+ years later.

  16. Wow – that Facebook message must’ve really blown your hair back. That is such a shame to hear what this guy has left in his wake. I’m glad you got away. “…a scratched up record with the needle stuck in the same rut.” So good!

    I still feel a little pang every time I realize Justin ACTUALLY married Jessica Biel. I thought what we had was special.

  17. You are a strong and honest person, Renee. It needs a lot of courage to share personal thoughts like these. And I respect you a lot for that. Does not matter how and where a person ends up a relationship, at the end of the day both the people should pray and wish happiness for each other. And let me tell you with my own experience, it needs a lot of courage and strength to pray happiness for that person!

    • Oh Arindam, I wish that love ended that way. I do, but we both know that sometimes love ends in scratching and screaming and pecking and blood. Maybe that is the mark of the relationship after all: how it ends in the end. Maybe jt ended like that because the wonky groove was not really love at all.

      Wow.

      That’s a thinker. You just taught me something big.

  18. Wow. That’s crazy that you were the one who got away. It just shows how strong you are, even back then. Good for you. It has to be so surreal to find out how he turned out. You are lucky you were able to extract yourself from that situation.

    • Misty, I didn’t feel strong. Not at all. I felt broken. I felt no one would ever love me again. He told me this. I was small and terrified. But I left anyway. And that is why I always believe what terrifies us the most is the thing to run toward.

  19. Renee – Wow! This is frightening, raw and beautifully written. I imagine you’re having lots of feelings about this unexpected interaction! You are brave and wonderful and it’s a miracle you got out when you did. Here’s hoping this man and his ex get help and you can enjoy your well-earned reputation!

    • Mare, so many exes! It’s crazy! I hope his exes and his children get the help they need. And that he is always generous to them. I hope he stops pitting his women one against the other. I hope he learns that we all know each other and that we will be there to support his next reject. Because we will. When he tires of his new girl, we will welcome her to this strange club that none of us ever aspired to be part of.

  20. The optimists among us always hope they learn, don’t we? And some do, I suppose.

    An ex-fiance contacted me through FB (we’re not FB friends, but he sent me a message to tell me his sister had died).

    We still have some mutual friends so we still occasionally hear of each other.

    Bizarre still, in a way.

  21. Ubiquitious Mr. Lovegrove

    Perfect timing for this story. Today marks the demarcation point of a year passed of my time with a man who is just like this. He was a doctor, I was the patient. He crossed the professional line..but I was ok with it, because he made me feel smart and beautiful and respected within hours of our 48 hours 2500 texts weekend. Texts led to phone calls, phone calls led to coffee and coffee led to a relationship.

    We had the best 8 months..still in our honeymoon stage of life. The addiction of waiting for his texts and waiting to see him again. He was my drug. It was very unbecoming of a person like me, only because I never fall for someone like that..but it wasn’t love..because I didn’t love him. I think I was addicted to his intensity, his empty praises. He laid bricks to build my pedestal to only found out they were made of crackers.

    Found out one day that he had flown to another country and got engaged to a poor innocent sweet girl — 18 yrs his junior — only after knowing her for a few months, all while keeping me on a short leash back home. Come to find out, it wasn’t only me and her he was courting; he was dating many women at the same time and even was still whispering sweet-nothings to his ex.

    The kicker of all this disrespect is that after all that I had done for him: all the endless deep conversations heartfelt emotions (looking back, I see it now: It was definitely one sided) and crocodile tearful expressions of emotions on his part in a very public restaurant, he takes no responsiblity. According to him, we were never in a relationship. Cowards way out. Why wouldn’t it be? He’s a coward and a bully.

    He has his pictures of “his” women stored away on his Mac. I know this because he told me. He’s sick and twisted. His disrespect towards women is premeditated. He knows what he is doing is wrong. He’s very smart. The problem is that his family and friends condone his lifestyle. He has never been challenged or paid the consequences of his actions. He will: karma has a way of prevailing.

    From all of this..I have received gifts of knowledge and friendship. The knowledge to know he epitomizes everything in a man I DON’T want and a gift of 3 beautiful women who I have become friends with. We share an underlying X factor — but our friendship is stronger then him, and he is not even a thought.

    His new girl will experience what we all have. His patterns will never change. We already like her and want to protect her. She is young and vulnerable and when he knocks her down, we will be there to catch her. Cause if anything he does right, he finds really good girls.

    I wish him peace. He needs it more then anyone I know. My life is so much better without him and while he has a mask of happiness, mine is the real thing.

    • Wow! That’s a lot to digest. Thank you for sharing your story. And you know, we do share that X factor but even better is that we have moved beyond to something else. Hopefully, we will go dancing together and be fabulous. And we always have room for one more.😉

      • Ubiquitious Mr. Lovegrove

        We will definitely go dancing together, and we always have room for one more..though I have a feeling there will be more🙂

        • But maybe this one is the one. It could happen, right?

          • Ubiquitious Mr. Lovegrove

            Well The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle suggests that there is a possibility. But it merits the same possibility that I will win the lottery. On a serious note, if it was behavior I would say yes. She could be the one. Because if people are incentivized enough they can change their behavior, but unfortunately he has a disease. He is mentally unhealthy and he admittedly refuses to get help. He said: “I like living in my non reality.” So it is sad, because I saw the fake side of him and if he could really maximize and truly reflect on that mask of compassion and understanding and turn it into reality he actually would be a pretty decent person.

            I actually forgive him for what he did to me. I would have an ego if I didn’t. Though it wis difficult to forgive what he did to the mother of one of his children. And though I have never met her, I feel sorry for the mother of his other child. He still has a grip over her.

            He is a sad, lonely individual who bleeds the happiness out of anyone who will give him the opportunity. As I always told him: “You can’t run away from yourself. Everywhere you go, there you will be.”

            We all got away. I think it’s his turn to really take ownership of his disease and seek help. If his family and friends truly care and love him, their love for him would override the need to placate his behavior. He has a daughter. If they will not do it for him, they should do it for his daughter: to let her know its NOT okay for men to disrespect women in the way she has witnessed.

  22. You got out, so many don’t. All of us leave something behind, I am so glad it was only a tapestry. I loved your imagery of him being a scratched record with the needle stuck, this is perfection.

    You are indeed the smart one! Who could doubt this?

    • I didn’t feel smart at the time. I was terrified I would be alone forever. That’s how low he made me feel. But I am grateful that I had some kind of divine guidance. Amazing how words CAN break our bones. And our spirits.

      • shocking really isn’t it? Yet on the other side, broken bones and bruises can teach us to fly and force us to spread our wings and show us just how truly amazingly strong we are. Strange isn’t it. There were times when my ex hurt me terribly with his words, but I might have never run from them. It was is fists, oh and that 2×4 that finally gave me wings, it was only later I realized it was his words that pinned me.

        You got out. You spread your wings. You soar.

        • Thanks Val. It is amazing how the words leave such wounds. I have wings; that’s for sure. But some days, I don’t feel like flying. These days, I prefer my place on the couch, my feet tucked under my husband’s leg, my arm draped over my son’s shoulder. It’s a pretty good perch.🙂

  23. When I read the title, I was hoping for more Tad… This was far worse.

    I thought I’d read a humorous piece… I did not.

    Poetry in motion… Your last line was chilling.

    For all the silly awards on WP… There should be a serious one for this post.

  24. too bad soap operas have many story lines all or none fictional. who’s to know the actual truth ?

  25. There’s that children’s fable about the scorpion and the frog. I dated the scorpion. He was so nice and charming, worldy. Fifteen years older. I became the woman that I never thought I could be because I didn’t see any of it happening. I never understood it was a gradual shift. Nobody walks right into your life and says “hey I’m in control here.” It happens one small concession at a time.Well I guess I really didn’t like that friend anyway, well what do I know about fashion, I should do more around the house if I love him, I could stand to use a couple pounds…

    While he was wining and dining me and moving me into his house, he was also disposing of my family and friends. Fewer calls, fewer visits, nobody that loved me “understood” us. I made excuse after excuse for his behavior and thought oh he is right, they just don’t “get” us. I love you. I hate you. Get out of my house. I can’t live without you. Go away. Come back. Please.

    I thought I had some control overwhat was happening but I had none. It was a game where the rules changed every day, they were in a foreign language I didn’t speak, and the house always won. He cheated and lied and was verbally and emotionally abusive. Whenever I stood up for myself he would crumble and beg for my forgiveness. And when I came back he would hate me again, tell me what a terrible person I was, how miserable, stupid, selfish, and unnatractive I was and that he couldn’t stand to be around me. Nobody else wou’d want me. Ever. Each time I left and reclaimed my life, just as I got settled in he would call and beg and cry. And I went back. Until the last time I left for good.

    My grandma told me one day recently that when I was with him he stole my spirit. I honestly feel like when I was with him, I died.

    Today I am a much healthier, stronger, and (hopefully) wiser person. I am very blessed to have the wonderful life that I have. I take very little in my life for granted I cherish and love the people around me. And mercifully this is a story I can tell and safely put away where it belongs.

    • Look at you! Rising from the ashes! So proud of you! Now that you are away, you can grow your joy, find your soul. I will help you. And yes. You got the Scorpion alright.😉

      • Ubiquitious Mr. Lovegrove

        Funny that you start your unfortunate circumstance with him with the exact story he told me while having dinner one day. And at the end I asked him are you the scorpion, half jokingly and half serious. and he looked at me and smiled..he didn’t say “NO” but had this devilish look of pleasure that indeed he was the scorpion. It wasn’t a joke, I am real well at reading people. I filed that comment away in my “Ohhhh he’s so wonderful and great and blah blah blah” file but it would resurface here and there. After the deceit, I went back to that file in the back of my brain…and realized how many items I actually put there. All the red flags, all the childish behaviors, all the little hints here and there that something wasn’t right all the signs that I purposely dismissed because I didn’t want to believe that I allowed myself to even get close to this monster…and yes he is a monster. He lurks and preys, and then he sinks his claws into you and with pleasure watches you bleed. He can’t handle a strong woman, cause even though he portrays himself to be all high and mighty at in one breath of strength from the woman and he caves.

        He is haunted by his childhood, his only coping mechanism is to recreate the scenarios in his head, tweaks the story line, perversely act them out and in his attempts of dealing with the situation he creates his own conclusion. It’s all a game to him, the funny thing is he thinks he wins, when in reality he is losing more then he knows.

  26. Yes, I learned that my boyfriend for a short time while I was in high school, the one I lived with after high school, the one who beat me and crushed my self esteem like an ant on a sidewalk killed himself several months ago.Talk about a “wonky groove.” He had it. No, I take that back; it had him and it never let him go. My groove is doing fine, thank you. I was the lucky one who got away.

  27. Thank you for posting this, sweet darling. I braced myself prior to reading this. I knew it was going to have some sort of impact on me. Hi everyone! I am the ex who contacted Renée. First and foremost, thank you, Renée for being there for me. Thank you for helping me understand that I was not the one who was mentally ill like he led me to believe. THANK YOU. However, I do not understand why this keeps hurting as if this hurt will never leave my soul. Although I know it will, I just wonder… When?

    To answer a few questions: Yes, Renée had my permission to write about this and I am thankful she did, as this might help other women in similar situations. No, he didn’t physically hurt me, but I wish he would have. Because at least it would have left marks and someone would believe me. I would have proof of abuse. But he’s smarter then that. He knows not to leave marks on bodies but marks on souls.

    I can’t say much about the next line to protect myself. But, I feel so blessed to have given birth to such a wonderful miracle. Despite all the horrible memories following our child’s birth, beneath all that pain, the birth of our child was the light I needed to get out of this toxic relationship. All I can say is that I’m glad I met you Renée and you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve met.
    ILY

    • Backatcha. You know I have your back. So if you are feeling low, you have the rest of us to lean on. We know exactly what you have been through. Hell, we sat in a circle and compared stories. That was something. Meanwhile, hold onto that baby and do what is right for the both of you. Thank you for being brave enough to share here. You didn’t have to. But I LOVE that you did.

  28. Oh yes, wasn’t a “love” but I went to prom with him and then his little brother showed up on the cover of my People magazine. I was the only person that didn’t watch The Bachelorette. I went to prom with Ed, as in Jillian and Ed’s brother. I, totally had to find him on FB.

    Even after 20 years, our discussions felt exactly the same. So weird and such a reminder to trust your heart.

    • Wait, so does that mean he was a doojie-butt and one prom was enough? Or are you still pining away for this dude? Inquiring minds want to know.🙂

      • OMG I typed a whole response and its GONE.
        1 more try.
        Totally never “dated.” He would break into my car while I was “workin’ at the mall” and wrap orchids around my steering wheel with a note (poems or song lyrics-uh huh😉 and sometimes he would chapstick “Abbie-Normal I love you!” all over my windshield which is NOT awesome to do to someone in Michigan winters. The same way Molly Ringwald did NOT get a restraining order against Anthony Michael Hall in 16 Candles…he grew on me and I agreed ONLY to go to his prom. I think I was home by 10:30. He is still sensitive and sweet and may be forever stunted and ironically I had to contact his brother because I was worried about him after one of his FB posts he talked about how an extension cord wouldn’t do the trick to hang himself and I commented that I had never seen himself so easy to quit trying. Holy crap bags! Jillian, sweet Jillian as in the bachelorette, ripped me on FB in the comments, as did several others. What they didn’t know is that I knew he would laugh and I sent him a private email expressing concern, discovered that FB has an entire dept dedicated to suicide prevention and I can also mention that my uncle who is like a father to me is the Sheriff where he lives ten hours away. Once he got some help he informed the small mob organizing to drive ten hours to hang ME that I was actually NOT a monster and thanked me later, privately, for being a pain in the ass. So now you have the whole story. 😉 BTW, little brother, Ed, got the heck out of there as fast as I did. 😉

  29. Wow, I’m at home on a Saturday hanging out on WP because I’m so shell-shocked from the implosion of exactly one of these relationships that I’m not even going out on weekends, just surviving through till Monday. I was in a long distance relationship for the last year and have been piecing together over the last couple of months that the d’bag was probably with other women the entire time. It was exactly like you said, sooooo passionate to start with I felt like I was the only one in his world, that we would be together forever because he was the one I had waited my whole life for. Apparently so did a few other women. The lies started to come apart when I was diagnosed with cancer in July this year and tried to lean on my “partner” for support. Yeah, that didn’t happen and when I pressed him, the whole thing started to unravel. I have also wanted to contact some of his ex’s (there are more than a few – I should have known) to see if this is his consistent pattern of emotional vampirism. Suck you dry till you finally ask for some reciprocity, then the true colours start to show. But I never knew if they would welcome the contact, or if I would just be another “crazy ex” stalking him. So it was really good to read about this.

    And he has never actually “broken up” with me, he just started posting pictures of himself dating other women on FB – where he knew I would see it, and has refused to communicate with me in any way whatsoever since then, except to say that I am “hysterical” and I suspect have been tagged as the “crazy ex” with his latest victim. Sort of like the stories he told me about the ones before me. . .I should have read the tea leaves better. But I do believe that karma catches up to these pathetic creatures, after all, he has to get up and look at himself in the mirror every day and given his behaviour I strongly suspect that’s not a happy experience for him. Blotting his pain and guilt with booze, drugs, food and women. I know one day all this pain will heal, I will stop missing him and the imaginary life I thought we would have together, that I will really, truly, once and for all accept that it was just a web of lies and deceit. I hope it’s soon.

  30. Found you through Varda and so glad that I did, what gorgeous writing you use to share your stories. I remember dating one of these kind and as I left I wavered between guilt and heartbreak. We have actually reconnected through facebook too and I’m so glad to see that he is single and traveling the world and has been for years. He had way too many issues to bring to a relationship.

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